The Hakoatsu arc
by oruoD
Summary: Gintoki and Hijikata wake up in the same bed with no memories of the night before, so Hijikata does what he knows best, launch an investigation. No angst, no drama, just comedy, action, lots of trolling and a bit of a plot. Now betaed!
1. Lesson 1

Disclaimer: Gintama is crafted in Sorachi Hideaki's genius mind and I only fell prey to his teasing.

Very especial thanks to my dearest **Sorcerousfang** who kindly volunteered to beta this work. She is also a fantastic author, check her out!

* * *

 **THE HAKOATSU ARC**

 _Urrg…. Oww…..My head…..I had one drink too many..._

 _What the hell happened yesterday after that…?_

 _Crap, I can't remember._

 _…_

 _More like…. Where the hell am I?_

Gintoki looked around a luxurious Western style bedroom with a huge four-poster bed where he had just awoken. As he sat up, he noticed…

 _Why am I… naked?_

 _This is…._

He realized suddenly that he was not alone in the big bed. His soul sank to the depths of hell and back in panic. Through the corner of his eye, he could see that there was someone under the covers next to him.

 _H-hold on….this can't be for real…_

 _W-wait… Seriously?_

 _…_

 _No, really wait! Hasn't this already happened? Didn't we already have a scandal arc? What kind of lazy author would re-use the same simple plot? Unless….unless this is not the manga, or the anime… unless…_

"If this is a fanfic, I'm fucked," he said out loud.

There was a rustle of fabric to his right and panic rose again in his throat.

He knew those fanfic bastards were merciless, way worse than the gorilla. They indulged in all sorts of pairings, no matter how inappropriate or degraded. For all he knew, there, next to him, could be anyone, or anything…

 _Right, right, Gin-san, don't lose it just yet. This is Gintama, after all; nobody expects much character development… Try to think… If I were a frustrated fan, longing for some real romance involving my favourite smoking hot and charismatic main character, who would I choose?_

 _Obviously one of the many pretty ladies surrounding him like a beehive, right? But who? Sarutobi…? (ugh!) Tsukuyo…? (mmm...), Otae? (Hell no! or he wouldn't survive this chapter)._

However, if he thought about Gintama fic pairings carefully…

Shifty noises came from the duvet next to him once again.

… in statistical terms…

A low yawn and more rustling noises…

 _No, no, no, no, no….._

A glimpse of silky black hair…

 _NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!_

V-shaped bangs…

 _NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

* * *

 **Lesson 1: Bedsheets in movies always (conveniently) hide all the interesting bits**

(Please, insert here your favourite Gintama opening tune)

* * *

First, sleepy blue eyes were on his.

"Mmmm."

Then, confused blue eyes were on his.

"Huh?"

Next, bulging out of their sockets, panicking blue orbs were all over the bed and the room.

"HUHHHHHHHHHHHHH!?"

And finally, a pair of murderous, demonic, dilated pupils pierced through him like spears.

"Yorozuya…" came the hiss at which Gintoki couldn't respond to but with a stupid twitchy smile and a futile raise of both his hands defensively.

"What does this mean? What have you done to me this time, arsehole?"

"Me? What have you done to Gin-san, demon policeman!?"

"Urggh, I don't have time for Yorozuya bullshit now; I'm in the middle of an important operation."

"You mean you were last night…"

"Why? What time is it?"

"Almost midday."

"Wha..!?" The vice commander of the Shinsengumi quickly grabbed the covers to get out of bed, and just as quickly stopped himself mid-action…

"Wh-… why am I… "

"…naked?" completed Gintoki. "Well, I'm glad you've caught up with me. I was precisely at that point of my inner monologue when you woke up."

Hijikata's eyebrow twitched compulsively.

"Why..? Are you also…"

"…naked?" completed the silver haired man once more. For an answer, he glanced briefly at the spinning fan above the bed.

Hijikata's eyes followed his and soon not only his eyebrow but his whole face was twitching grotesquely at the offending sight of Gintoki's strawberry underpants turning somewhat mockingly, attached to the fan above their heads.

When they looked at each other again, they became a puddle of cold sweat running wildly down their faces.

"Do you mean we have…"

"No, we can't have…"

"Right… we can't, but then what's going on?"

"What the hell do I know?"

"You mean you don't remember?"

"Not a fucking clue. Wait, you don't remember either?"

"I just have this massive headache."

"Wait, how drunk were we last night?"

"I couldn't have been, I was working!"

"So was I, but you know…"

"Whatever, this kind of shit only happens when you are around, fucking Yorozuya!"

"What? You're automatically blaming me even when you don't remember a goddamned shit?"

"Who else's fault could it be, jackass?"

Hijikata would have gladly beaten the lazy bastard to a pulp, but he was too grossed out by the idea of touching him.

"Hijikata-kun, I hate to inform you that whatever happened in this room last night was most likely entirely consensual."

"Shut your trap, scum! How could it be!? If it had been I would have had a smoke afterwards."

Gintoki's face contorted in sync with his pointing finger towards Hijikata's bedside table where an ashtray with not one but two cigarette butts rested.

The blood drained from the vice commander's face while a ridiculously out-of-place smug smirk crossed Gintoki's face right before the realization hit him…

"The evil vice commander took Gin-san's most precious treasure!" started crying the Yorozuya.

"Don't jump to the victim's place so quickly, perverted ass!" said Hijikata, pointing at the bedside table on the opposite side, where the ends of two cigars laid as definitive evidence of not only consensual, but a rather enjoyable evening indeed.

"How can you use such a word given the current circumstances!?" asked Gintoki scandalized. With all the evidence hitting him in the face, Gintoki had finally lost it. In contrast, Hijikata had at least found some relief in his recently discovered packet of Mayoboros and was releasing a long, satisfied, smoky sigh.

"How can you be so calm, you bastard!? You've disgraced Gin-san for life!"

"I have disgraced you, scoundrel!? I'm a police officer! An example of rectitude that the next generation of Shinsengumi look upon. I have a status to maintain; who cares what befalls a lowlife like you!?"

"But Gin-san has feelings too..." moaned Gintoki dramatically.

"Stop being gross, moron!"

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. Both discomposed faces turned green as they looked straight into each other's eyes in horror.

Who knew they were here!?

"Hijikata-sama," said a female voice from the other side of the door. "Hijikata-sama sir, this is the hotel management."

Both men released a sigh of relief.

"Hold on a minute, I'm coming!"

Hijikata grabbed the sheet and pulled it around his hips to stand up and go open the door.

"The hell are you doing, shitty mayora!?"

"Do you want me to open the door naked, you imbecile!?" said the vice commander as he pulled at the sheet harder, which in turn pulled along Gintoki, who was holding to it for dear life.

When Hijikata grabbed the doorknob, he noticed a presence beside him wrapped in the opposite edge of the double sheet and with a pinkie digging deep into his nostril.

"What the fuck…" hissed the vice commander. "Do you think this is a happy family reunion, idiot? Get the fuck away from me!" he shouted as he pressed a hand to Gintoki's face and squashed it against the wall behind the door. He then pressed his body against the opening door to hide their connecting sheet and his violent pressure on Gintoki's face.

Gintoki could see through the door crack the small woman on the opposite side of the door who instantly let her eyes drop to the floor at the sight of the semi-naked man in front of her.

"Hijikata-sama, I just came to inform you that your room reservation was for only one night and you are required to proceed to check-out within the next 30 minutes."

 _What the hell is she blushing for_? Gintoki thought while allowing a lazy look at the other man's backside now tightly wrapped in the white fabric. _Oh well… I suppose he is the Shinsengumi's pretty boy after all…_

"Hai hai, will do," replied the black haired man before closing the door unceremoniously.

The bastard lacked any kind of lady manners, that much was clear. No wonder he hadn't had a single chick interested in him in over five hundred lessons (none alive, that is).

"What are you looking at, moron?" Hijikata asked, vein popping up and pulsating on his forehead.

Gintoki had in fact been caught staring at the bastard's back, not for the reasons that all of you perverts think, but because he had spotted something that had made his blood freeze instantly within his veins. Something that, given the murderous look he was getting from his sheet companion, couldn't be brought to his attention under any circumstances.

"I've had it, you lecherous lowlife! Where is my sword!?"

Gintoki's senses sprang into action as his self-preservation instinct took control. His eyes scanned the room at full speed. They both located the vice commander's katana on the other side of the bed at the same time and Gintoki immediately pulled the sheet in the opposite direction, with an effort that made the officer fly straight into a wall, hitting his back and head, which was already painful due to the hangover.

Hijikata released a feral groan, and before Gintoki could even register it, he had launched a furious fist aimed at his lazy face at incredible speed. Gintoki closed his eyes as he resigned himself to the unavoidable impact that never came. Instead, he felt the other man rushing past him and towards the sword.

He couldn't help but smirk; that bastard had fooled him, but he wouldn't get too far. Gintoki grabbed the sheet and pulled with all his strength while keeping a tight grip on the portion around his waist, although not before the other man managed to get ahold of one of the bed posters, resulting in Hijikata being suspended in mid-air thanks to the tightest ever sheet-pull. Their effort was clear on both of their faces as they were completely unwilling to let go of the cloth shielding their nether places.

Suddenly, a metallic voice filled the room.

"Vice Commander Hijikata."

Both men froze and looked at each other in horror for the third time that morning.

"Vice Commander, are you there?" called Yamazaki's voice again through the radio.

Their eyes snapped at once towards the spot on the floor between them, where a yukata that must have been Hijikata's lay.

Taking advantage of Gintoki's distraction, Hijikata pulled himself up and above the bed using the bed poster for leverage, and made the Yorozuya fly through the room and hit the opposite wall. Then, in a swift move, he grabbed his katana, unsheathed it, and charged viciously towards Gintoki who stood bruised against the wall after the painful impact. However, he had to stop his sword mere centimetres from Gintoki's throat when he heard the latter's voice.

"What is it Jimmy-kun?" Gintoki said, holding the radio to his mouth with one hand and the Shinsengumi's yukata with the other.

 _This bastard's fast…_

The two men's eyes locked in a defiant glare.

"Emmm... Vice Commander, is that you? Where are you? Still tailing the Hakoatsu leader?"

"What's it gonna be, Vice Commander?" asked Gintoki venomously. "Shall we let Zaki here know that you are in a post-coital brawl in a love hotel with the Yorozuya? As you said before… unlike me, you have a reputation to maintain…"

Hijikata's infamous death glare washed over Gintoki mercilessly, but the latter didn't even flinch and instead shot a quick look at the sword that the other man was holding to his throat.

The clash of the blade against the floor marked the end of a short and tense silence after the sword was sent flying to the other side of the room. In the next second, Hijikata's hand was on the radio and Gintoki's body relaxed and slid down to the floor, hand on his battered head.

"Yamazaki… unfortunately, I got sidetracked into some slippery business by a punk, but I will be on my way to the barracks in no time. Tell Sougo to gather for me all the information available about the Hakoatsu group, their members, financial sources and connections to amanto or local ronin groups."

"Yes sir!"

"And Yamazaki…" added Hijikata, looking straight down at Gintoki. "You leave everything else and prepare a report on the activities of the Yorozuya boss during the last 24 hours."

"On Danna, sir?"

"Shut up and do as you're told. And keep this strictly confidential. It's now your first priority."

"Y…yes, sir!"

Hijikata closed the communication and threw the radio on the bed. He turned his back towards Gintoki who stood up slowly, scratching his head.

"Using the Shinsengumi's resources for personal matters now, are we?"

"As you heard, I was in the middle of a mission last night, and the loss of my short-term memory as well as certain reckless actions may well be related to that. Moreover, perhaps it doesn't matter to you, but I'm not satisfied with not knowing whatever happened bet… t-to us last night. And I would be disgraced as a samurai and as a man if I don't get to the bottom of it."

Gintoki looked at his back in silence, particularly at the long scratches he had spotted earlier. He relaxed the grip on the sheet that had linked their bodies together for the past few hours and let it go when it was pulled from around him as the other man flew into the bathroom, closing the door behind him without a second glance.

"Hakoatsu, huh…"

* * *

Author's note: Here is my first attempt at a Gintama fanfic, I thought it would be fun to try. Even though English is not my mother tongue it is the language in which I read Gintama so it was somewhat easier. Please, let me know what you think, especially if there is any scene or part that you like or don't like in particular.


	2. Lesson 2

**Beta reader: Sorcerousfang**

* * *

 **Lesson 2: Dango for Parfait, Equivalent Exchange**

"Gin-chaaaan, can we go eat nabe in a proper restaurant when we get our next payment, aru?" asked Kagura, nibbling on a piece of sukonbu while balancing sloppily next to the pavement.

"Quit leeching me, brat. Plus, we still need to finish the job before we can get our hands on the cash," said Gintoki as he and Shinpachi crossed to the other side of the road where his favourite dango shop was located.

"Speaking of which, Gin-san," added Shinpachi, "you were gone all last night; what did you find out?"

"Ne, don't interrogate me, Pattsuan. Gin-san overexerted himself last night and needs some good old dango to recover," replied Gintoki, yawning with fake indifference. The truth was, he had no clue about what he'd been up to the night before and therefore was ignoring the current state of affairs regarding the job. Besides… he had more pressing concerns, because his body did indeed feel kinda rough.

"So you have money for dango, but not for nab…" Kagura's rant was cut short when her sukonbu suddenly disappeared from her mouth.

Her expression of confusion turned quickly into rage at the sight of a certain sadist looking out of a police car window, grotesquely chewing on her sukonbu with a diabolic smile spread across his obnoxious face.

The car was stopped with a loud crash as Kagura pierced through the roof with her umbrella, right where Sougo's head should have been. She then reached through the open window to try and retrieve her precious food from the idiot's mouth.

"Give that back, sadistic rat!"

"I found it abandoned in a dumpster, so I claimed it."

"Your brain is what's a dumpster, you scumbag!"

"Oi, Sougo," came a low, calm voice from the passenger seat. "Stop trashing the car. I'll tell Kondo-san to deduct the cost of repairs from your salary."

Gintoki's dead fish eyes could not help but detach themselves from the delicious stick in his hands at the sound of that voice. _Give me a break… that guy again_. He had been hoping he wouldn't have to face that jerk for at least the next hundred years, especially after fleeing the room that morning, leaving behind nothing but a note saying, "Thanks for an unforgettable night, xx." He sometimes just couldn't help the quirks of his fucked up personality. However, that would explain the royally pissed off aura he felt radiating from the officer when he noticed Gintoki's presence by his window.

"Has the Edo police enforcement fallen so low as to steal children's sweets now?" He said lazily, bending to watch Okita on the other side of the car, who had a hand spread across Kagura's enraged face, holding her back while munching on her beloved food.

"Shut up," replied the vice commander, putting a cigarette in his mouth. "I don't want to hear that from someone who would drag a helpless girl into the most expensive love hotel he could find and then flee, leaving her to pay the bill."

 _Ooops…_

"Maybe the girl wasn't as innocent as we think, or she wouldn't have booked the room in her own name to start with..."

Hijikata snapped and grabbed his collar, looking furious.

"She would surely be under the effect of some kind of drug to bend her otherwise iron will!"

"She sounds like the kind to have her way with a passed out drunk person and then fake amnesia, if you ask me," spat Gintoki, matching the vice commander's furious look.

"Are you two discussing the latest development in the afternoon soap opera, Gin-san, Hijikata-san?" asked Shinpachi innocently from behind Gintoki.

"Oi, Danna, you must have indeed got yourself a wild chick last night," Okita said, pointing at his now exposed neck with one hand and pushing Kagura's face away from him with the other.

"Gin-chan's a pig!" cried Kagura. "He went to spend our hard-earned money on cabaret girls while a poor girl here can't get her essential ration of nabe!"

"Idiot! How is nabe essential to any person's diet!?" Gintoki shouted as he checked his neck in the wing mirror, trying to hold back his panic only to discover the unmistakable round, reddened mark of a hickey.

He shot a glare at Hijikata, who had paled instantly and was trying and failing to make the shaking flame of his lighter meet the tip of the stick in his mouth.

"You sure look sweaty, Hijikata-san," said Okita with what would have sounded like an innocent voice to any other human being.

"Tsk…. That must be…" started the vice commander's hissing voice, a vein popping ferociously on his forehead. "BECAUSE THIS CAR IS OVERLOADED WITH MOROOONS!" he shouted, punching somehow simultaneously Gintoki and Okita, which made the latter's head collide with Kagura's, who was sent flying away from the car.

Gintoki sat on the ground rubbing his sore cheek while looking sadly at the unfinished dango lying beside him. The police car drove away, but before it could turn the corner, a crumpled cigarette pack came flying and bounced off of his head. He lazily picked it up and read the message scribbled on the back.

* * *

"So what've you got?" Hijikata asked Yamazaki without preamble as he sat opposite him at the cafe with the high back benches where they prepared an outstanding triple mayonnaise udon dish.

"Sir, due to the limited amount of time, I haven't finished my investigations yet."

"Tell me whatever you've got so far."

"Yes, sir, but…"

"Just start from the beginning, will ya?"

"Sure, Vice Commander!" Yamazaki opened a file folder in front of him and started his narration. "According to Tama-san, Danna only came down to Otose's snack bar yesterday in the early evening. She says he was probably lazing around in his flat reading the latest JUMP all afternoon after getting up late. He then left Otose's bar around 8 pm to go to the pachinko parlour. There, he met a madao called Hasegawa Taizou. The cameras of the place show that they spent a couple of hours there, essentially throwing away their savings, before leaving the place together to get some food and sake from a street stand. The owner of the stand told me that they mentioned they would be headed to the Kouta family's inn next."

Hijikata's eyes snapped up at the name. "That's where I was tailing the head of the Hakoatsu group."

"Yes, sir. From here on I thought you could give me more information."

"… Ummm, why?"

"Well… because y-you met Danna there, didn't you?"

"Did I?"

"S-sir you were together for the remainder of the night. So far, I've tracked your steps across at least three more places: the Snack smile cabaret, the Ondori karaoke place and the Kabuki-chou Casino. I don't fully understand why you've asked me to do this if you were with him the whole night."

Hijikata massaged his temples to alleviate the increasingly painful headache he was carrying from that morning.

"Don't worry about it and tell me, where did we… part ways?"

Yamazaki looked confused when he replied, "Well… I sorta lost your trail after the casino; I was hoping you could fill me in."

Hijikata released a deep sigh of smoke and ignored Yamazaki's request.

"Can we get ahold of footage from the casino security cameras?"

"I was precisely working on that when you called, sir, but they are not particularly willing to provide it, for obvious reasons. On the other hand, there was a birthday celebration at the karaoke place and I requested copies of their photographs. I just got them developed and was gonna check if Danna appeared in the background of any of them," he explained and took a pile of photographs out of the folder.

"All right, all right, give those to me. I'll look through them."

"But sir, there are a lot."

"Don't worry, Yamazaki; you've done well. Leave the file with me and go back to the casino. Contact me if you find out anything else."

"Yes, sir!" Yamazaki stood up, made a martial salute and left.

Hijikata put out his cigarette slowly, watching the other man leave the cafe. He then retrieved a cigarette packet from his jacket and proceeded to light a new one. He leaned back against the seat and breathed in deeply, closing his eyes to enjoy the sensation.

"Did you hear that?" he asked to the air.

A silver haired man sitting on the bench behind him stood up.

"What I heard was the tale of a textbook party night," he said as he turned and walked towards the exit with a hand inside his yukata.

"No, there has to be more to it. It's not like me at all to frequent any of the places he mentioned."

Gin stopped walking but kept his back to him.

"Can't you just accept that you skipped your duties for one night, partied hard with Gin-san, and ended up getting a bit too carried away at the end?"

Hijikata tensed.

"No, I can't. There's something off. Tonight I'm going to trace our steps and figure out what it is. I'll start by questioning that cabaret girl that Kondo-san stalks. I don't need you to come if you are happy with the way things appear to be."

Gintoki stayed silent for a bit.

"Tsk...I'll come. There's no way you could handle the untamed beast that is Shinpachi's sister," he stated and left the café, waving a lazy hand.

Hijikata puffed on his cigarette as he scanned idly through the photographs. He made a sign for the waitress to bring the bill, at which she quickly approached his table.

"So...a triple mayonnaise udon dish," she informed, smiling, "...and a chocolate parfait. That will be 2000 yen, please."

 _Tsk..._

 _That damned freeloader…_

* * *

Author's note: Here's the second chapter. Gin and Hijikata are starting to disentangle the mess, or are they? Thanks for reading and reviewing! Hope you enjoy it. I'm certainly having a good time writing it.


	3. Lesson 3

**Beta reader: Sorcerousfang**

* * *

 **Lesson 3: When Evidence Smacks You in the Face, Find a SM Batting Cage and Enjoy**

As soon as Gintoki turned the corner of the street where the Snack Smile Cabaret was located, he could see the unmistakable outline against the city night lights. The overwhelming coolness of his smoking frame leaning on a sign post filled Gintoki with dread. If bumping into that son of a bitch all around town more often than not wasn't enough, now they were deep in shit together. The kind of shit that makes you wanna lose sight of each other for a sweet long time. Except instead, they were getting pulled further together due to that moron's stubborn determination to clarify the events of the night before. Gintoki wanted out badly, but there was a part of him that wasn't satisfied with the uncertainty either.

"Oh well... there can't be much harm in tagging along for a bit longer."

Unfortunately, poor Gintoki had somewhat forgotten that this was Gintama, and soon he was cursing his naive words as he lay on the floor with a bleeding nose mere seconds after crossing the cabaret doors in company of the Shinsengumi officer.

It all happened in an instant. Both men had entered the establishment without exchanging a single word and tried to locate Otae from the top of the stairs. Almost instantaneously, a turning ponytail, a deadly eye glimmer, an unearthly creature approaching at astonishing speed, and the next second they were being thrusted back outside the doors by a lethal butterfly twist kick.

A flaming, menacing aura surrounded the black oni towering over them as they tried to understand what'd just happened.

"The nerve of you both…." hissed the ominous creature.

It was only then that Gintoki realised that it was Otae who contemplated them from above with the most disdainful scowl on her face.

"H-hey… Otae… w- what's going on?" stuttered Gintoki nervously while blood dripped down his nose.

"You tell me… I thought I had been clear that I didn't want to see either of your mugs anywhere near this place until hell froze over."

Gintoki exchanged a quick concerned look with Hijikata, who was sitting on the floor next to him holding a hand to his own bleeding face. Gintoki decided to go along with the flow to see if he could find out something useful.

"Ne… It wasn't that bad, come on…"

"Not that bad?" Otae's best yakuza face told him he was pushing his luck "We have barely managed to get the place back in shape for today's opening after you two trashed it last night, scaring all of our customers away in the process."

This time the look they exchanged was one of terror. Otae advanced onto Gintoki's prone form and pressed a wooden geta to his crotch, which made all the air leave his lungs.

"So you'd better hand over the money you owe for the repairs if you don't want me to make jewel juice right here."

"O.. o..tae…!" panicked Gintoki "I- I'm sure we can solve this amicably… Ain't we almost family?" For an answer, Otae simply stepped down harder on his crotch. He started sweating profusely and turned pleading eyes to Hijikata, whose face looked like he was somehow empathising with his pain for a bit. He then regained his cool and started standing up.

"Don't look at me, Yorozuya, it's your xxxx on the line. I'm outta here."

A wild roar together with swinging oni tongue made him freeze, and before he could blink, Otae had an iron grip on his own personal jewels.

Panic rose in his throat and the air was sucked this time from his own lungs so quickly that his cheeks hollowed. He looked at her in disbelief.

 _What in the freakin' hell is this woman!?_

"I told you pal," said Gintoki with a rather acute breathless voice, "Shinpachi's sister ain't someone to joke around with."

"I'm running out of patience here…" she warned, increasing the pressure on both of her victims' most precious body parts.

At that, Hijikata reached a sweaty, trembling, unwilling hand into a pocket to grab his wallet once again.

 _You gotta be kidding me…_

* * *

"Phew! That was a close call!" said Gintoki as they walked away from the cabaret and into the fairly lively Kabuki-chou night.

"Close for you, arsehole. I'm the one with an empty wallet," said Hijikata grumpily.

"Be positive, man; you saved our balls! Plus, going to meet Otae was your idea to start with, so I say this is a pretty decent karmic fix."

Hijikata shot him a glare, but didn't argue back.

"What was that about, anyway?" he asked after a while.

"Sounds like we truly gave it our all last night," Gintoki replied.

"This whole thing just gets more and more confusing the more we dig into it."

"Oi, come on, don't stew over it! Let's go get some food from my favourite place."

"Didn't you hear me? This time I'm broke for real"

"Don't you worry. This one's on me!" Gintoki said with a wink.

Hijikata eyed him mistrustfully.

"I don't know… who tells me you're not gonna pull another dine and dash on me? You're a bloody money black hole."

"It pains me that you don't trust me, Hijikata-san, after all we've been through together."

"It's precisely because of all the shit I've been put through for the sake of your sorry ass that I'm like this."

"You're using the forbidden word again!"

"Shut up; you're officially the most expensive affair of my life already!"

"Oi man, don't say creepy stuff like that!"

"But you are!"

They kept on bickering as they approached the wooden yatai where Gintoki had enjoyed many a merry evening of booze and food.

"Good evening, Gin-sama!" greeted the old man at the stand, beaming earnestly at the newcomers. "It's a pleasure to have you back so soon."

They pulled open the tiny curtains at the top of the yatai and took a seat on the empty bench. The old man started putting drink cups and bowls of food in front of them immediately.

"Which reminds me…" said Hijikata after slurping up some noodles, "…have you seen that Madao friend of yours? I would like to have a word with him."

Gintoki tensed visibly at the comment.

"Ne… I don't think he would be of much help."

"But he was with you last night when you went to the Kouta inn, wasn't he? He may know something."

Gin sipped some sake and turned his back a bit to him, scratching his head evasively.

"I.. I don't know about that… I can't really remember."

"Yes, Gin-sama, I remember," announced the owner cheerfully, earning an icy stare from Gintoki. "You were with him here last night."

"Forgive the old man, Hijikata-san," reacted Gintoki rapidly. "He's senile and must be mistaking us for someone else," he said as he shot a significant glare at the confused owner.

"No, no, I'm positive about this; you often come here with Sunglasses-san, and I remember last night in particular because I had to re-stock my sake bottles after you left," he said, beaming cheerfully.

"I'm telling ya, you're mistaken Oji-san!" insisted Gintoki nervously.

Hijikata was looking dangerously suspicious, and the old man wouldn't get a fucking hint. Gintoki had to change the topic soon. It would be highly inconvenient to have Hijikata and Hasegawa exchanging tales of drunken Gintoki's sexual lapses.

"Now then! Speaking of the devil! There he is! Good evening Sunglasses-san!" shouted the old man to someone behind them.

When they turned around, Hasegawa stopped right on his tracks. He just stayed there for a short while with his eyes hidden by his sunglasses and a stony expression on his face before resuming his walk at a slightly quicker pace.

All three men sweat-dropped in unison at the bizarre reaction, or lack of it.

"Oi, Hasegawa! What's up, man?" shouted Gintoki, jumping after him.

The man stopped once again, not turning to face him.

"Nothing; I just don't wanna interrupt you guys again."

"…"

 _What the hell does that even mean!?_ screamed Gintoki in his mind.

"Come on, Hasegawa! Stop behaving like a jealous high school girl and come join us for a drink!" managed Gintoki.

"The hell I'm gonna put up with another night of neglect while you're both busy with each other, plotting and whispering in your own little world."

 _You gotta be fucking kidding me!_ thought Gintoki as he broke out in a cold sweat.

"O-oi, man... a- aren't you exaggerating...?" stuttered Gintoki.

"You think so? At some point you even gave me money to go away and play pachinko!"

Gintoki swallowed hard and dared a quick glance back at Hijikata's face, which was an ode to bewilderment and shock.

"Be careful Hijikata-san," continued Hasegawa. "Gintoki's the type to toss you aside like an outdated issue of JUMP once he's done with you," he said and made a pause for dramatic effect, which would have been comical if Gintoki hadn't been about to poop his pants. "I've suffered it on my own flesh."

Gintoki's mouth fell open as he watched the man that had just shattered his reputation and pride into tiny pieces walk away. When he looked back at Hijikata, a dark shadow was covering his eyes and a fuming aura swirled around him.

"I knew it! You perverted lowlife! You've been just faking ignorance all this time, but this really is a modus operandi of yours, isn't it?"

"H-hey… Hijikata-kuuun! Don't just go jumping to conclusions," said Gintoki defensively.

"I don't wanna hear another word from your filthy mouth! Just get the hell away from me already! How can I be so naive as to be drinking next to someone as dangerous as you, and less than a day after you defiled me!?"

"I'm just as much in the dark as you are here, that you have to believe!"

"Shut up! You're so full of shit, fucking arsehole!" he shouted as he grabbed Gintoki's collar, ready to punch him with all his might.

"Speaking of which…" ventured Gintoki, "...how are you… holding up?"

Hijikata was so confused he froze mid-punch.

"Wha..?"

"You know… down there. You act pretty lively for someone who's been recently… defiled."

At that Hijikata took hold of his collar with both hands.

"How dare you?" he hissed dangerously. "I'm perfectly fine, you should be the one... you know… down there…"

"Wow! No way! You assumed I would be bottom!? You fit the uke bill way better than me!"

"What!? As if! Don't try to strip me off of what little is left of my pride, jackass!"

"What are you on about!? If we were to dance the buttock jig, be assured that I would be topping! Plus, my butthole is all good and fine, so it was definitely you on the receiving end!"

"As if you would notice, you shitty permbrain! You had a sword stuck up your arse for a whole arc and looked awfully comfortable about it, if you ask me!"

"Hold on, hold on... what's going on here!? We're talking like we're accepting that we were really playing hide the hot dog last night!"

"Well, what the hell do you want me to believe if all the evidence points in that direction!?"

"We got drunk and trashed the cabaret bar, so what? That means nothing. The delusional opinion of a worthless Madao shouldn't count! He was obviously drunk off his arse and imagining things!"

"He was not imagining it…" said Hijikata in a softer tone, letting go of Gintoki. He then reached a hand to his back pocket and handled him one of the two photographs he had found depicting the Yorozuya the night before.

The first thing he saw was a couple of drunkards fighting for the microphone next to a karaoke machine. Gintoki immediately recognized Ontori's, a popular karaoke place of Kabuki-chou. From the camera's perspective it was possible to see a pretty decent view of the whole establishment. There was a stage, an area occupied with sofas and a bar to order drinks from at the back. There was a lively party going on. Then Gintoki finally saw what Hijikata was referring to. There, leaning against the bar wearing the black yukata Gintoki had picked from the floor that morning, was the vice commander looking awfully relaxed and facing forward towards the sofas. He was chuckling at something that in all likelihood came from the all-too-familiar shape with silver hair that was resting his forearms on the bar next to him, facing the opposite direction. Next to, and positively leaning against his shoulder. You couldn't see his face from the camera's angle but, his demeanour was feline and cocky as he looked in Hijikata's direction.

Gintoki's skin crawled and he fell silent. Was that really Hijikata and him flirting the night away in the middle of a busy karaoke place?

"And it's not only that…I noticed back in the barracks that my back is all scratched."

"Moron, my chest and neck are full of bruises and hickeys too. You could at least have spared the visible places!"

"Are you really trying to make me take responsibility for something I don't even remember, maggot?"

"So we are all bruised up, oh well! What is surprising about that? If we were to do it, it would definitely get rough."

"Yes, I suppose, we would go at it hard and wild," reasoned Hijikata.

"It would definitely be friggin' awesome sex!"

"Damn right! We would totally kick ass at it! I'm almost sorry I can't remember anything!"

"…"

"…"

Wait…

They looked at each other with dead eyes for an instant and then simultaneously launched a punch at the other's face shouting, "What are you looking so proud for, idiot!?"

Gintoki staggered backwards, reached desperate hands to his hair and pulled at it in panic.

"Oh shit, we really screwed up royally this time! Forget the up, we really did screw! We mastered the forbidden hanky-panky! We got jiggy with it so loudly that the hotel walls rumbled!"

"Now you're just making up unnecessary shit, moron!"

"But how? Why? I like girls, I swear to Buddha, I like them so much, with their soft and rounded bits, and their bouncy boobies, and their sexy microphone, and their cool weather map behind them…"

"At this point aren't you just describing Ketsuno Ana, idiot!?"

"Right! That's it! Desperate times call for desperate measures!" snapped Gintoki suddenly. "Whatever happened last night, we need to put it behind us and reconquer our manly pride!"

"What are you on about?" muttered Hijikata, mildly curious.

"Grab your xxxx and follow me, Mayora. You and I are finding two chicks and getting laid properly tonight. That's a Gin-san guarantee."

* * *

Author's note: You may have noticed that the story is set in the status quo Gintama universe before the events of Lesson 502 in the manga (episode 300 in the anime). If you haven't read up until there, please stop reading this author's note now cause spoilers may apply.

I did start writing this fic before catching up with the reading. I honestly never expected such big changes to happen in Gintama, so I apologize, but the story is made up in my mind and I will finish writing it as it is. I'm currently working on chapter 4 which is supposed to have a lot of comedy in it, but I'm struggling because I have now read both the Shogun Assassination arc and the Farewell Shinsengumi arc and I'm so heartbroken that I'm finding it a bit difficult. Hopefully, it will go away in a few days and I'll have the chapter ready.


	4. Lesson 4

**Beta reader: Sorcerousfang**

* * *

 **Lesson 4: Bushido** **Is Not** **a** **Kind** **of** **Indoor Plant**

The moment Gintoki set foot in the crowded bar, he knew that he had made a big mistake that evening. The place was one of the many shady Kabuki-chou clubs that offered shelter to those who desperately searched for a warm body when alcohol failed at numbing the loneliness of their souls.

When he had pushed the door of the place open it had been with the confidence of a spoilt main character that has forgotten he's in a fanfic today, but when reality suddenly hit him, his morale sank like a Spongebob balloon the morning after the festival. It didn't help that when he looked over at the Shinsengumi next to him, he was looking as cool and unfazed as always while proceeding toward the bar to take a seat on a stool before ordering a couple of beers, as if this was the most common occurrence of his day.

 _How in the hell am I gonna pull this off?_ the Yorozuya thought.

Hijikata on the other hand, had in fact started cursing his luck a lot earlier than Gintoki, even before entering the bar itself. He had gone through the whole freaking out phase and was back into his usual calm and collected composure. However, as he entered the place his legs went wobbly, and it was all he could manage to find a stool that would support his weight before he would trip and make a fool of himself.

 _Why on earth did I get into this?_ the Shinsengumi thought. _I don't know the first thing about picking up girls… Will it be enough to just stand here being the coolest guy? However, if it doesn't work and this guy gets a girl and I don't, it'll be pretty humiliating…_

 _Right, above all, it's of capital importance that this mayora doesn't get a girl before me. That absolutely can't happen! But who am I kidding? I mean, look at this guy!_ Gintoki shot him a look from the corner of his eye. _He's wearing a freaking uniform, doesn't that like make chicks go crazy?_

 _Damn, this permhead loser is actually a social magnet. Forget hot chicks, people of all ages and genders stick to him like flies to a turd. How can I compete with that?_

"Hey, Mayora!" said Gintoki after they had both been drinking their beers quietly at the bar for a while "Why are you standing there doing nothing? Does it maybe happen that you don't know how to approach women?"

"Well, you're one to talk! I don't see you making a move either. Does it maybe happen that you're shy after all?"

"That's definitely not what's happening; I'm checking out the material."

"Trying to find the most desperate woman in the bar, huh? You ain't gonna make it too difficult for yourself, are ya?"

"Don't go projecting your fears of rejection on me. I'll have you know that there's no girl that can resist my charms, jerk."

 _… but my technique is pretty rusty. I mean, I have been a shounen protagonist for too many years now. I've grown used to chicks throwing themselves at me. Where are they right now? It's pretty clear the gorilla is not the one writing me today…_

"Moron, quit spitting nonsense. I haven't been rejected in my whole life!"

 _… because I've never really tried to pick up a girl before…_

"Well, then, shall I find you a chick that you can impress with your straight silky hair?"

 _You lucky bastard, this is not fair! I have to work with this naturally wavy hair as a handicap!_

"Just for me? Don't be shy, choose a couple of chicks and we can go at them together, or are you scared that they'll both prefer me?"

 _As if I could go and talk to a woman on my own! I need a big-mouthed clown like you to do the talking and pave the way._

"Sure, no problem, but don't blame me if I score a threesome and you are left crying in a corner."

 _No, it's that my_ pickup _lines are freaking lame, and I don't want you to be there to hear them!_

"Ha! The only one that's gonna cry tonight is you, I'm afraid…"

The one who's _gonna be crying but of laughter is the girl that I try to hook up with!_

"All right, let's do this! Let's go chat with those chicks there," Gintoki pointed at two extremely good-looking girls that were sitting on stools next to a high table in a corner.

 _Right, that should do it_. He _must refuse_ ; _there's no way we can score those girls. Come on_ , Mayora _, I'm counting on you! Retreat or just show some slight hesitation that I can grab onto and sorta manage to get us outta here without looking too sad._

"Sure, whoever is fine" Hijikata replied nonchalantly.

 _Are you freaking insane!? They are friggin hot! Couldn't you have chosen someone more attainable? Like a middle-aged indebted widow or a cast out pregnant high school girl!?_

They started walking in their direction with such a confident and predatory aura that people would make way for them in fear.

 _Mayora! Get a grip! Here's when you say something reasonable like how much of a ridiculous situation this is. Come ooon! Stop this already! I'll give you 300 yen if you say you're going home right now!_

 _Please Buddha, someone, stop us! We're gonna make a fool of ourselves. It's going to be instant rejection! They won't even turn our way!_

Why _didn't you just say no!? Why did you have to come along when I suggested something so ridiculous!? Aren't you the goddamned demon_ vice _commander of the Shinsengumi? Be serious, man!_

 _Why did I even come along? I'm a serious person, with a serious job. I have no time for this bullshit! But I can't back down now_ ; _there's no way in hell I'm going to chicken out in front of this bastard!_

 _Just hurry up and go the hell away! Picking up chicks in lame places like this is reserved for losers like me. Whatever happened to your fucking bushido rules!?_

 _Damn, I wonder if this goes against bushido… There's a fine line here between living with courage and following the rectitude of a samurai_. _The fricking bushido rules are so fucking confusing and open to interpretation!_

"Hey there," said Gin to the girls once they were next to their table and there was no going back. He ran a hand through his silver hair with his best self-assured smile on.

"Yo," said Hijikata coolly as he turned to lean against the wall to give them a view of his killer lighting-a-cigarette silhouette.

"Hi…" replied one of the girls, turning slightly towards them but clearly uninterested.

"…"

"…"

Seconds that felt like years passed and there was only silence. The girls looked at them expecting a continuation of some sort, but when that didn't come they exchanged puzzled looks. Both men started sweating while still trying to keep their conceited façade.

 _What's wrong with this shitty permhead!? He never shuts the hell up and he decides to go mute now of all times!?_

 _What's with this freaking mayora? If there's ever a moment for your flashy lines, this is it! Freaking say something already! Aren't you the flow master!?_

 _Right, now this is getting downright ridiculous, we are two grown-up men, dexterous with the sword and relatively good looking. Why the fuck are we standing here like two idiots with our mouths shut!?_

 _Someone saves us! Please, anyone, anything, let there be an earthquake or better, an asteroid that destroys everything and everyone who led us to this moment! Anything that finishes this humiliation, please!_

"So… what do you... guys do?"

 _What's going on? Oh, one of the girls has taken pity on us and is starting a conversation even though she wasn't interested. So nice…she is being so nice…_

"Well, we're samurai, you see..." said Gintoki, putting an arrogant hand on his bokuto.

 _Can this get any more humiliating!? Now there's no way we can hit it off with this chicks, not after they've taken pity on us! It's over!_

"Oh… umm… how… exciting"

 _Oh no!_ They _are not impressed at all! They are totally looking uncomfortable now!_

"Wow! You're samurai? That's so cool!" said a lively voice behind them.

They turned around grateful at anyone who would put an end to this shameful moment. They were faced with an enthusiastic otaku looking way too cheerful for the atmosphere of the bar.

Gintoki and Hijikata looked at each other. On the one hand they had the two superhot yet aloof chicks, and on the other, one average-looking but willing otaku. They nodded their heads solemnly.

"If you wanna learn more about samurai, then I'm your man," informed Gintoki.

"Ignore this permbrain. I'll let you in on all the secrets of the bushi," offered Hijikata.

* * *

Gintoki could see Hijikata yawning discreetly through his fingers as the girl in front of them blabbered and blabbered about some evening drama, and how handsome the main actor was, and how charming he had been when she had met him during a hand-shake event. After at least two full hours and ridiculous amounts of booze, there was no sign that this girl was getting drunk at all (which was the original plan), but more and more cheerful and talkative by the minute. If there was anyone getting smashed here, it was the two of them.

Wait, why was he here to begin with?

...

...

Oh yeah… his manly pride…

"Right! Tequila is next!" suddenly announced Rumiko, which was the name of their companion.

"Excellent," said Hijikata struggling to focus his sight on anything in particular.

Gintoki summoned the bartender and ordered the drinks that they downed at once. A vague thought crossed his mind about them being sort of weak against tequila.

"Kya! You guys are so much fun! I never thought tonight would turn out like this. It's so amazing to spend the evening with two brave samurai like you! Wait till I tell everyone back at the 'Save the Samurai' charity I volunteer for!"

"Thank YOU for keeping us company tonight, we have learnt so much about…."

"Anzami Anzai!"

"Yeah..., that guy..."

"Another round?" suggested Rumiko cheerfully.

"Excellent!" said Hijikata punching the bar for emphasis before sinking back into his drunken trance.

Right, that must have been the third time in a row that Hijikata said nothing but "excellent," which meant that the Vice-commander was almost passed out drunk. It was about time to call this off.

"Look Rumiko, it's getting late…" said Gintoki as he tried to get back into a dignified upright position and offered a hand to the girl. "Shall we get you home?"

"What're ya bastard doin'!?" Hijikata had somehow awoken from his stupor when he saw Gintoki helping Rumiko up. "Are ya plannin' on stealin' 'er away from me?"

"What are you on about, drunkard!? In the state you're in, you wouldn't even be able to tell the two of us apart."

The vice commander opened his eyes unnaturally and tried to focus his sight on them with all his might. He stumbled forward and got a grip of Gintoki's hair.

"I can tell ya apart. No one else 'as tis ridiculous permy hair!"

"Ouch, ouch, ouch! Gerroff me idiot! You're going to make Gin-san bald!" Gintoki tried to punch him and they stumbled and fell to the floor rolling in a pitiful scuffle.

Rumiko looked at them confused for a bit. Then cracked a sly smile.

"Some people just can't hold their liquor, can they?" she said as she finished her last glass of tequila in one gulp. "Hah, men are so weak. One can get anything from them with just a little flattery. Seriously guys…samurai in this day and age? Don't make me laugh…"

To their credit, Gintoki and Hijikata managed to notice that she was headed for the door.

"Rumiko!" shouted Gintoki from the floor, squashing Hijikata's face on the ground. "At least kiss me once so that I can win against this bastard!"

Hijikata managed to lift his head from the other's grip and stretch an arm towards the girl already almost out of the door.

"I won't lose to this permhead! Rumiko-chan! Marry me!"

"Thanks for the drinks, losers."

* * *

Author's note: I promise there's a plot, bear with me... Just having fun for now :)


	5. Lesson 5

**Beta reader: Sorcerousfang**

* * *

 **Lesson 5: On the Dark Side of the Moon There's Also a Red-Light District**

"Blerrrggh."

Gintoki squatted next to Hijikata as the latter discharged all the contents of his stomach, and likely further down, on one side of the dark street they had stumbled to after 'leaving' the bar.

"Well, that didn't seem to work," said Gintoki.

"Blerrggh," was the only answer Gintoki got from his companion who barely managed to keep himself from collapsing by pushing a sweaty palm against the wall.

"And seems we found ourselves yet another place we can never go back to."

Indeed; albeit pathetic, their clumsy scuffle at the bar had caused considerable damage to the place and the gorilla-like owner had sent them flying through the door.

"Blerrgggggghhh," agreed the vice commander.

"You know, Hijikata-san, you get awfully repetitive when you get drunk."

Hijikata cleaned his mouth with his sleeve and slumped against the wall next to Gintoki, breathing heavily and looking like shit.

"Confirmed, lady manners can't be counted as one of your many virtues, huh?" Gintoki teased.

Hijikata glared at him from the corner of his eye through heavy lids.

"Do you ever shut up?" he breathed out, the words lacking his usual bite. "Plus, you're one to talk…"

Gintoki ignored that remark and continued his inebriated ramble.

"Hey, who needs manners with your looks? Look at this hair… it's so straight…" Fascinated, Gintoki stretched out a drunken hand, placed it on Hijikata's head, and started patting his skull ungraciously.

"..top it… stop it!" protested the Shinsengumi with no energy to actually lift any limb to fight the clumsy hand that was making his brain swirl. He had to fight the bile threatening to rise again from his insides.

Even though Gintoki didn't see the man next to him turning green, he removed his hand, leaned his head back against the wall, and exhaled a tired sigh.

"She really played us, huh."

"Guhh, don't remind me" mumbled the officer rubbing a hand through his face. "It's so pathetic…"

"Believe me, I've sunk to depths way lower than this."

"I believe you all right…"

Gintoki tried to give the vice commander a nasty look, but just managed a swing of his head that made his whole world tip over. Once he managed to locate himself again, he started registering his surroundings. With only the occasional passer-by, the street was very quiet, except for the distant voices coming from the bar nearby. The moon, almost full, was the street's main source of lighting. Gintoki looked at it for a few minutes trying to make out some of the craters on the surface. He faintly remembered that time when he went to space with Shinpachi and Kagura, and met Sakamoto again after so many years. That perverted idiot… where would he be right now? And like that his mind just kept jumping from random thought to another and another…

"Say Hijikata-kun."

"Huh?" He sounded like he had dozed off for a bit there.

"Do you think this is what happened last night?"

Hijikata rolled his head on the wall to look up at Gintoki with a questioning look.

"Whatcha mean?"

"That being the handful that we are, we got scolded, beaten up, kicked out, and ended up stuck together in a lame hotel, being the only ones capable of tolerating each other."

"Pfff," chuckled Hijikata. "Even so, this and that are completely different things. Plus who says I can tolerate you, jackass?"

Gintoki chuckled, too.

"You've done it for two nights straight. Actually, you keep popping up all over the place, you rotten policeman; this is barely chance. Shit, then it must be fate!" he said with genuine concern. "You and I… maybe we shouldn't fight it…"

"Bullshit," said the vice commander quietly. "A samurai's fate gets crafted by power of will. I create my life's path by living every single day true to a code of honour. My soul and my sword are all I need to protect what needs protecting."

Gintoki turned to look at the Shinsengumi. He had pronounced his words with sincerity and no trace of pretension, almost absent-mindedly. This mayo-freak really was that pure-hearted. It scared him how well it all resounded with him, right to the last word. He allowed the rare feelings of admiration and camaraderie flow through him and talked without thinking.

"You know what… you're all right, Mayora."

Hijikata gave him one mildly curious look and then let his head fall forward softly. After a few seconds, he whispered almost inaudibly, "I guess you're all right too, Yorozuya."

Gintoki half-smiled as he looked down at the so-called demonic vice commander turned somewhat shy.

"Are you gonna kiss me now or something?" added Hijikata after a while, feeling Gintoki's gaze upon him.

"Well, you're giving me all the right signals," joked Gintoki, earning himself a punch on the upper arm.

"Moron."

"Right! Let's go!" said Gintoki after stretching and standing up with a slight stumble.

"Woah!" Hijikata exclaimed being pulled up suddenly. "Where now?"

"We still have a mission to accomplish tonight. You've inspired me, officer. We won't be swayed by the current anymore. If the heavens insist on refusing to return our manliness, we'll have to go and snatch it from heaven itself!"

"What nonsense are you spluttering, Yorozuya?"

"This time we'll go for the sure bet!" he said marching forward "We're going to Yoshiwara!"

* * *

It took them a good hour and a half to walk all the way to Yoshiwara from Kabuki-chou, which contributed to sobering them up considerably. As they were getting closer, they noticed other men joining them on the street, heading in the same direction and with the same objective as them: to drown in the promises of pleasure emanating from the underground district.

Gintoki looked up once more at the moon, this time through the open ceiling of the city, as he guided Hijikata to one of the brothels he knew best. Seas of laughing men and women surrounded them once they hit the main artery of the district. Women clung to men with practiced sensuality, while men blushed, inebriated by both alcohol and desire. When they crossed paths with one of the many couples, the woman noticed Gintoki, and her cheerful façade wavered almost imperceptibly.

"I'm still penniless, you know…" said Hijikata as they walked, remembering Gintoki had paid for everything so far that evening except for the amount required by the Shimura woman for the cabaret repairs, the shameless bastard.

"I told you not to worry, I have it covered."

 _I know you have money, the question is 'why?'._

As 'Yoshiwara's messiah', Gintoki enjoyed certain privileges with the women of the district. He normally refused their advances, however tonight was the perfect occasion to cash in his ticket. He wouldn't have problems getting Hijikata a nice girl either; they would fight like cats to spend the night with him, so long as he managed to keep that mayonnaise obsession hidden.

"Hey, I'm getting a bit peckish. Shall we get something to ea…"

"Shush!"

They were approaching the very noisy part of the street where women were on display behind bars, whistling and blowing kisses at passing men to attract their attention. As the two samurai walked alongside them though, the women fell silent and started exchanging wary looks.

 _Weird..._ thought Gintoki ... _by now I should have a flock of them dancing around me._

"Is this your doing, Hijikata-san? Have your puppies been giving grief to Yoshiwara people?"

"You know well the Shinsengumi don't have jurisdiction down here…" Hijikata said, although he had also noticed that something was off. "…but perhaps wearing my uniform here isn't ideal."

"I don't think that's the problem somehow…" said Gintoki slowly.

Suddenly both men felt an overwhelming killing intent, and it was only in the last instant that they managed to jump out of the way of half a dozen kunai that landed perfectly aligned on the spot they had just left.

Hijikata immediately dug a knee and a hand to the floor for stability while the other hand reached for his sword. He scanned the area where he calculated the kunai had come from judging by their angle on the floor. There, on top of a building he saw a dark smoking figure looking down on them, the breeze shuffling a long black kimono with autumn leaves.

Gintoki, who had rolled to one side and was up on his two stretched legs straight away, recognized the familiar feeling of being surrounded by the Hyakka. However, it had been a while since he had felt such hostility coming from them. He looked up at Tsukuyo, who was dedicating him an unnaturally menacing look.

"Do I have to chase your asses out of here again tonight?" she asked after an irritated draw from her kiseru pipe.

Gintoki and Hijikata couldn't help exchanging a dismayed look. _Seriously? Here as well?_

"Didn't you have enough last night? Forcing everyone to witness your naked asses playing sick and disgusting games?"

"…"

"..."

Gintoki couldn't for the life of him think of anything to say. He definitely didn't want to ask for details about what kind of sick games she was referring to. Nevertheless, he couldn't stop his messy mind from coming up with the upmost unsettling scenarios: him, Hijikata, naked, games, in public… _Haven't I already had enough humiliation tonight to last me a lifetime? Please, someone kill me already!_

"Crush them!" commanded Tsukuyo without warning as if answering his prayers. A fraction of a second later there was a storm of masked quick-as-lightning women coming at them from every angle.

Gintoki looked up at Hijikata whose face was hidden by his bangs and who had stayed rooted to the spot upon hearing Tsukuyo's offending words. Of course, if Gintoki was having a hard time digesting the new information, the vice chief had to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He was a straight man after all.

Gintoki grabbed the back of Hijikata's collar and pulled his limp body behind him as he dashed, just in time to avoid a second wave of kunai thrown at them.

"What are you doing, Mayora? Get moving! They are fucking serious!"

"Who cares…?"

Gintoki turned a panicked look backwards only to find a familiar blank expression on the officer's face. _Shit... the give up face_.

"Let's just get married, Yorozuya."

All right, the vice commander was definitely broken. He was on his own.

"Stop asking people to marry you, damn it!" he shouted as he ran as fast as he could.

Gintoki felt more than saw Tsukuyo jumping on him from the top of the building at incredible speed. He had to let go of Hijikata to hold his bokuto with both hands and block the pair of tantou that struck at him ferociously.

"Tsukuyo, you gotta calm down, babe," he managed to say through gritted teeth.

"Dontcha dare call me names, dick'ead!" she snapped back "Think ya can come 'n do as ya please 'ere cause we owe ya? I drew the line at brothel wreckage!"

Purple eyes shone briefly, as they focused somewhere above his head and Gintoki knew he was in trouble. If he let go of Tsukuyo he was done for, but his back was fully exposed to the rest of Yoshiwara's highly trained guardians.

Unexpectedly, there was a metallic ruckus and female screams behind him. Tsukuyo lifted her pressure on Gintoki's bokuto to jump and throw a set of kunai at Hijikata, who was at Gintoki's rear holding back half a dozen Hyakka. Tsukuyo's blind fury seemed to have been triggered by the sight of one of her girls bleeding on the floor. A kunai pierced through Hijikata's hand and his sword fell with a loud clash.

"I'll kill ya, bastard!" Tsukuyo shouted and jumped on the officer. The next second he was on the floor with Tsukuyo's knee on his chest, a hand grabbing black hair to pull up his head so that she could cut his neck open with the tantou in her other hand. He managed to grab and stop the fierce hand pushing the knife right before it sliced his throat.

Then Tsukuyo felt the coolness of a blade against her neck.

"Everybody freeze!" exclaimed Gintoki. His eyes swept through the rest of the Hyakka who had stopped in their tracks upon seeing their leader in peril. Then Gintoki looked at Tsukuyo dead in the eye.

"Just drop that, Tsukki."

Tsukuyo shot him a murderous glare and then let go of the tantou she was holding to Hijikata's throat.

"Ya degenerate rats, protectin' each other now?" she hissed as she intensified the pressure of her knee on Hijikata's, chest making him choke.

Gintoki pushed Hijikata's blade up towards her chin, motioning for her to stand up. He stretched an arm towards the man on the floor without taking his eyes from Tsukuyo. They grabbed each other's forearm and Hijikata was back up on his feet.

"We're going to leave now," stated Gintoki loudly "We understand we created some trouble for you last night and apologize for it, which should grant us at least 10 seconds before you start chasing us again, if that's what you feel you have to do."

Gintoki threw the sword back at his owner who caught it with ease, and then they turned around and started running in the opposite direction.

"I don't wanna see yer asses down 'ere for a long time, ya hear me!?" shouted Tsukuyo. "And tell that ta that Joui friend of yours and 'is ugly duck as well!"

 _Zura?_ thought Gintoki. _What does Zura have to do with anything?_

* * *

"Man, I need something sweet…" Gintoki said bending over as he gasped for air after the long run. They had finally stopped a few blocks after exiting Yoshiwara, when they had judged they were safe from their pursuers.

Not far from him, Hijikata was also breathing heavily while leaning against a signpost. It was then that Gintoki realized he hadn't heard the Shinsengumi say a word since... well, since he had proposed to him. Gintoki's twisted logic dictated that the best way to figure out what was going on in the officer's head was to tease him.

"Looking pretty breathless there, Mayora… is all that smoking finally taking its toll?"

"Tsk," was the only response Gintoki got, when he had been expecting some kind of clever retort about his sugar-filled diet or something along those lines.

"Come on, pal, you need to step up your straight man act!"

"Well, thanks to you I may not even be a straight man anymore," replied the other man darkly.

"Dude!" was all a scandalized Gintoki managed. "You're taking this way too seriously."

"I don't expect a lowlife like you to understand anything about pride and self-respect," spat Hijikata nastily. "I can't even begin to fathom how on earth I got involved in all this crap. Nothing makes any sense…"

"You said it; it doesn't make sense. I'm sure there is a ridiculous and hilarious chain of events that will eventually get uncovered and explain everything."

"But there's just so much evidence piling up…"

"All right! Look, tomorrow we'll find Zura and see what he has to say."

"I really don't think I wanna hear anything else... At this rate I'm gonna have to commit seppuku."

"I wouldn't worry too much about it, I'm pretty sure this is not canon. You should be glad that you're behaving somewhat IC. If you ask me, I'm simply pleased and rather surprised that we are on the fifth chapter and there hasn't been any lemon scene yet."

"See! You're speaking complete nonsense all over again. Everything is nonsense, to be honest… our lives in general. Sometimes I don't understand anything, you know, like why do we keep having Christmas and summers but we never seem to get any older?"

"Not bad to be stuck in the happy mid-twenties, dontcha think? It's worse in Otose's situation…"

"What are you so happy about? Trapped in that good-for-nothing life of yours."

"Oi! I like my life very much! You're the one that drew the short straw, working your ass off every day to try and tame that barbarous and ungrateful bunch."

"Argg! Enough of this! I'm tired of your endless gibberish! Can we just go home and forget the last two days ever happened?"

Gintoki looked at him with that deadpan expression we all know is really his empathising face.

"All right… but I hope it stays on record that I did all I could for both of us to get over this."

"Yeah, yeah…"

Hijikata suddenly remembered something and reached an involuntary hand to his back pocket, where the second of Yamazaki's photographs with Gintoki in it was tucked. It had also been taken at the karaoke place where they had been the night before, but Hijikata was nowhere to be found; perhaps he had gone out for a smoke or to the bathroom. Gintoki was looking sideways with a pinkie in his nose while his other hand was secretly accepting an envelope from a guy who Hijikata didn't recognize. He briefly considered the option of asking the Yorozuya directly about the scene in the photograph, but decided against it given the current awkward atmosphere between them.

"See you around then, Vice Commander," Gintoki said.

"Hopefully not too soon, Yorozuya."

Gintoki made a face and turned around. Hijikata saw the characteristic permy head and white disarrayed yukata being swallowed by the shadows of the dark alley, and then started making his own way back to the Shinsengumi barracks. He put a cigarette in his lips and lit it up. He took the photograph out of his pocket and looked at it for a few seconds, then up at the bright moon.

 _What the hell are you up to, damned perm-head?_

* * *

Author's note: The last two chapters were originally going to be one, but I decided to allow the comedic parts some space. I really hope I am succeeding a bit with it. Anyway, here it is, I hope you're enjoying the story so far. The next chapters should be good fun, plus we finally get to move the plot forward! Thanks for reviewing, favouriting and following! You guys are so kind!


	6. Lesson 6

**Beta reader: Sorcerousfang**

* * *

 **Lesson 6: Flashbacks Are Supposed to Provide Useful Character Background Info**

The night was dark and chilly, but this part of town, a popular clubbing area of Edo, was always busy and loud with all kinds of people going in and out of bars or drinking in the streets. A police car was stationed at a sufficient distance from one of the night clubs to allow its occupants to have a good view of the establishment without being noticed. The passenger's window went down and the two men inside looked at the club's entrance, where a small crowd was starting to gather in queue, waiting to go in.

"This is the place," informed Sougo. "According to our intel, Kentao Hiroshi went inside less than an hour ago."

"Kentao Hiroshi, the boss of the Hakoatsu Joui faction. What does he want in a place like this?" Hijikata asked, referring to the gay nightclub in front of them.

"They finance their terrorist activities selling drugs, but they're not your regular street dealers. They dig into the dirt of shady establishments such as clubs or brothels, and coerce their owners into allowing them to sell their material there in exchange for their silence."

"They are just a bunch countryside small fries that arrived in Edo virtually yesterday. How have they managed to become this troublesome this quickly?"

"That's all thanks to Kentao. The guy's apparently a genius. Only 17, but he is a mastermind strategist. He set up the business so that it's almost impossible for us to trace any of their activities back to them, so the bureaucratic route is a no go. He has also made the connections between their terrorist and drug dealing activities pretty much undetectable."

"If we can at least frame him for illegal drug dealing, the remains of the beheaded organization are bound to panic and make some mistakes."

"I would say it is not that easy, Hijikata-san. Kentao is always in the company of this old man. Nobody knows his name and he never opens his mouth, but I can tell he's some big fish. If we don't get them both, our efforts may be futile. Problem is, there's no way of linking that old man to anything. He doesn't get involved in any of the businesses directly. His criminal record is more pristine than your Tomoe 5000 figurine, Hijikata-san. For all practical purposes, Kentao is the only visible head of the organization."

"I see," said Hijikata blowing some smoke. "And this is the first time they've been seen going in this place, right? Do you think they are trying to make this gay club their new selling point?"

"Almost positive. They've been desperately trying to find a place for the last few days because it's dangerous for them in the streets. They are new in town and the local drug lords would wipe them out if they tried to set foot into their territory. Even like that, I doubt they can avoid a confrontation for much longer."

"Well then," decided the vice commander, "I say we catch them with their hands in the cookie jar right here and now and put them in the shade, at least for some time. If this keeps spiralling, we may find ourselves with an even bigger problem in the long run. What do you reckon?"

"I've been thinking hard, Hijikata-san, and I've reached the conclusion that the best approach is to destroy you first psychologically and then deliver the final fatal blow that ends your life when you're down on your knees in misery."

"Stop fooling around and focus on the case!"

"I already told you all I knew, Hijikata-san. My job's done. I don't have more time to waste with this kind of thing. I'm too busy planning your demise."

"Impertinent brat… If you used those brains of yours for working out the case, we could defeat the Hakoatsu group in no time."

"That is of no interest to me, Hijikata-san. After all, once we finish off a Joui faction, another one pops up somewhere. It's mere routine."

"Cut the crap already and get ready; we're going in. This is a direct order from your superior," he said, opening the door and exiting the car.

Not even two seconds after, he heard the car engine starting.

"I've told you many times, Hijikata-san," said Sougo as he drove away while waving goodbye out of the window. "I don't recognize your authority. You are, and always will be my kouhai."

"Sougooooooooooooooo!" shouted Hijikata, running after the car, "come back here!" Hijikata threw his cigarette to the ground and stomped on it furiously. "Damned brat…"

When he composed himself again, he started walking towards the bar with his hands in his pockets.

"Oh well… I should be fine handling a bunch of ronin on my own."

He joined the queue to the bar and lit a new cigarette while he waited without paying much attention to his surroundings. He suddenly realized that the people in the queue had been gradually disappearing and by the time he got to the front, there was just one other person left in the queue. He shrugged and headed towards the door only to look up and see who the other person was.

Hijikata's eyes narrowed upon meeting the insolent and deadpan expression on the horribly familiar pair of dead-fish eyes.

A vein that by now he was pretty sure was specifically yorozuya-induced started throbbing on his forehead.

 _What the fuck! This permy bastard again!? My day only gets worse…_

 _Rotten policeman! Why do you have to resort to insulting Gin-san's hair every single time?_

 _What is this!? Why are you in my head now!?_

 _Telepathic conversations are a thing in Gintama, idiot. They are a useful tool for comedic interactions._

 _This is just perfect… If listening to all the trash that leaves your mouth non-stop wasn't enough, now I have to hear all the empty permy-brain trash that goes through your head as well._

 _Again with the hair!_

 _That's what offended you the most!?_

"Are you guys going in…?" said a huge bouncer eyeing them with distrust, "or are ya just gonna stay there looking at each other in silence all night?"

They ignored him. Gintoki looked the vice commander up and down.

 _Now this explains the sudden vanishing of the queue. Are you planning on going in there in full-on Shinsengumi get-up?_

 _What the fuck do you want me to do about that? I'm here on official business._

Gintoki rolled his eyes, cursed under his breath, and dragged the officer away from the door and around the corner into an alley where no one could hear them.

"One day! One fucking day is all it's taken for your mayo-stained sulky mug to appear in front of me again! It's starting to get ridiculous how often I run into you!" exclaimed Gintoki, annoyed.

"That's my line, jerk. What are you doing here anyway? Wait… don't tell me… you really…"

"Seriously? Do we have to go through this all over again? Will you stop doubting me?"

"How am I not gonna have doubts with that utterly ambiguous sexuality of yours?"

"Gin-san can't help having chemistry with everyone; comes with the job. It's far better than being an asexual character like you."

"You're only interesting because you're the main character. By any other objective measure I'm a much more accomplished human being. A rich and complex character with doubts and weaknesses to overcome with effort and pain!"

"That's only because you're based on a real-life person! I'm a shounen protagonist; there is nothing I can do about it. Basically, everybody eventually gets drawn to me and I just cannot be defeated!"

"Yeah, so you always win… blah blah… predictable."

"Shut up! I have a tragic background!"

"Don't we all?"

Gintoki looked at him furiously while Hijikata put another cigarette in his mouth and started making his way back to the bar.

"I know our bickering is the only source of entertainment of this fanfic but I really don't have time to waste with you today, Yorozuya."

"You deaf? I said you can't go in dressed like the bakufu dog you are. Whomever you're after will flee before you even put a foot inside."

Hijikata stopped. The diabetic asswipe actually had a point.

"So what do you suggest?"

"You should try an undercover operation. You need to look a lot more gay, though."

Hijikata trusted that just his death glare would be enough to put across how unenthusiastic he was about this suggestion.

"First, lose the jacket."

Hijikata reluctantly removed his jacket and tossed it aside.

 _Why am I even going along with this jerk's plan…?_

 _Because Gin-san is a master of mirage and you secretly trust his judgement._

 _Shit! Give me back my privacy!_

Gintoki reached a hand to take the scarf off the vice commander's neck. Immediately, he felt the coldness of the Shinsengumi's katana on his throat.

"I can do it without help, thanks."

"Snappy, are we? I can't work like this! You have to let Gin-san's genius flow!" he said with exaggerated indignation.

"Clown…" muttered Hijikata, but he put his sword back into the scabbard.

Gintoki understood this as permission and started removing the Shinsengumi's scarf. He opened up and removed his waistcoat, and then untucked his white shirt from inside his pants. His fingers then unbuttoned the top of the shirt. Hijikata never stopped looking awfully leery during this whole process.

"That should do," announced Gintoki. "Now… what to do about this…?" he said looking somewhere between Hijikata's eyes.

He poked at the vice commander's impossibly tightly furrowed brow with a finger.

"What?"

"Can you just stop looking so incredibly pissed, please?"

To Gintoki's amazement, Hijikata's brow furrowed even deeper.

"Perhaps try thinking of mayonnaise."

Instantly, Hijikata's disgruntled expression turned into a dreamy one, with a benevolent smile playing at his lips and stars popping up all around him.

"Perfect! Keep that going! Let's go!"

"Wait! How about you?"

"Gin-san looks naturally omnivorous."

"No, I'm not going to be the only one looking ridiculous. You also have to gay up. Take that yukata off."

Hijikata untied Gintoki's belt and obi, and got the white yukata open and off him, leaving him with only his black pants and shirt. He then pushed the zipper down revealing more of Gintoki's chest for a gayer touch. Suddenly, Hijikata's mind flashed with such intensity that he almost lost his balance.

 _Hijikata could feel himself burning with fury. He could feel it in his face and his bare chest._

 _He was straddling Gintoki who lay on the floor beneath him._

 _Hijikata was fending off the hands of an unwilling and struggling Yorozuya._

 _But he finally managed to unzip and get the Yorozuya's black shirt wide open._

Hijikata stumbled backwards a couple of steps as he snapped out of his vision. What had just happened? Was that a flashback? A memory? One from that night that none of them could remember perhaps? He broke into a cold sweat as the unsettling truth that it could have been him imposing on the Yorozuya that night seemed to have just revealed itself to him. When he looked up at Gintoki, the man was giving him a puzzled look.

"Did you see that?" Hijikata asked, worried.

"See what?" said Gintoki.

"No..nothing. Let's go," he said, trying to quickly compose himself as he turned around to head towards the club with the white-haired samurai, who was reattaching his bokuto to his waist, following right behind him.

* * *

Author's note: Dear readers! For those of you that made it this far, thanks a lot! I really hope you are enjoying the story. I also hope I didn't bore you too much with this chapter. I wanted to introduce the plot properly and also really wanted to show Sougo in his competent mode, because we know he is smart and competent, but of course it never lasts for too long; he's also a slacker!


	7. Lesson 7

**Beta reader: Sorcerousfang**

* * *

 **Lesson 7: Backstories are the Key to a Successful Undercover Operation**

"No weapons allowed," said the bouncer as they tried to enter the establishment.

They dropped their weapons at the entrance and dived into the overwhelming world beyond the metallic doors of "Sinners: Heaven on Earth for the Gay Community," as advertised on the door. Hijikata's stern and glacial look couldn't quite hide how thoroughly cross he was at the unexpected loss of his katana. To be honest, Gintoki understood completely because he also felt kinda "naked" without his bokuto.

Once inside, suddenly everything went hectic: the loud music, the smoke, the epileptic attack-inducing lights, the bodies either dancing spasmodically or fumbling shamelessly in the dark… Gintoki looked at Hijikata who walked by his side. It was thoroughly unnatural to see the usually scary-looking Shinsengumi vice chief bathed by the milliard of colours and flashing lights that illuminated the dance floor as they crossed it. Man, did he look out of place... Gintoki smiled. This was going to be fun.

"So what do we do now, _Toshi_?" he teased, purposefully making use of the Shinsengumi's host nickname.

"We don't do anything. In undercover operations, one stays under the radar, finds a quiet corner to take some evidence pics from and then does the arrest. None of this is compatible with your presence, so you're gonna have to get lost."

"What I had in mind was more of a fully developed background story for _Toshi_ and _Gin_ , our gay personas, in order to mingle with the local folks and obtain some juicy information."

"What movie do you think you're in, permy freak? Just scram and let me do my work in peace."

"But it's also my work. After all, I'm also here to look for…"

"Who cares what nonsense brings you here? Go pick up your client's drunkard son or whatever absurd task you've been paid to do and leave me the hell alone, all right?"

"Tsk," exclaimed Gintoki, annoyed. If he let him, this exasperating jerk was going to ruin Gintoki's plan to have some fun while on the job. Oh well…thought Gintoki as he moved away and towards the bar to get himself a drink. It will still be fun to see the delusional fool trying and failing to carry out an inconspicuous operation in a place like this.

Gintoki went off and spent a good hour in the company of some of the bar regulars who were pretty friendly to a fresh and young face like his. They paid for enough rounds to get Gintoki a nice fuzzy feeling, so he knew better than to freak out at some of the kinky offers they would make after a couple of glasses. In fact, this made him wonder how the vice commander would be getting on.

He didn't have to wait too long to find out, because a ruckus broke out soon after in one of the corners of the bar where, in the process of twisting some poor bastard's arm, was none other than an enraged Hijikata Toushirou.

Some movement near the entrance door made Gintoki realize that a bouncer was already on the move and heading in the direction of the commotion. Gintoki cursed at this bad habit of his of getting that moronic Shinsengumi out of trouble every single time.

He sneaked quickly into the crowd and, after some struggle, finally managed to detach the hot-blooded officer from the whimpering mess that was his unfortunate victim. The poor bastard's sin, one can only imagine…

"So much for your low-profile operation, eh _Toshi_..." he said, still struggling to take the furious man away from the curious crowd that had quickly gathered.

"Let me get back there! I have to make sure that guy needs to use his foot to feed himself for the rest of his life! That'll teach him where he can and cannot put his hands!"

Gintoki couldn't help but chuckle at this.

"Only someone as naïve as you could come to a place like this and expect to be left alone. Do you have any idea what people come here for?"

"What? To harass each other?"

"Pretty much, yes..."

"Sickening punks... How am I gonna get my job done if I have to keep an eye out for every creep in the vicinity?"

Gintoki pondered something for a moment.

"You know what? For a reasonable fee I could do it for ya…"

"Do what?" asked Hijikata looking at him suspiciously.

"Keep... 'creeps' from bothering you."

Hijikata put who knows which two and two together and immediately looked aghast.

"Forget it!"

"Come on... evidence suggests we've already been up to a lot more than holding hands. What's the harm?"

Hijikata shuddered as he remembered his recent and disturbingly vivid flashback.

"I..I'll handle this on my own. I'll learn to ignore them."

"Hijikata-kun…you don't understand. Your aloofness only makes them all the more interested."

"I said no!" he exclaimed and turned around.

"You'll change your mind! And when you do, the price will be up!" shouted the white-haired samurai while Hijikata stomped away from him.

* * *

All right, Hijikata was officially freaking out.

That evening was fucked up from the beginning, what with Sougo fleeing on him, the disturbing visions of him and Gintoki, the loss of his beloved katana at the door, his unexplainable magnetism for depraved weirdos, and then…well, then he just had to go and run out of cigarettes. Could it get any worse? Of course, Hijikata was experienced enough to know that indeed things could always get worse. So when he had gone to the vending machine to get a new packet of Mayoboros and someone had invariably approached him to hit on him, he was all but surprised.

Only, listening to the current weirdo and not snapping was taking all of the self-control Hijikata had left. He had tried to get away discreetly, but _Frank_ (as he liked to be called) had not allowed it by stubbornly standing in his way. The arsehole clearly didn't have a friggin' clue about who he was dealing with. On a regular day, he would have already been cut in half. Several times. However, it was his lucky day because Hijikata needn't draw attention to himself if he was to accomplish anything. He had to stay under the radar and, more importantly, away from the bouncer, who would throw him out, ending this sorry excuse for an undercover operation altogether.

As a consequence, Hijikata was currently freaking out inside as he heard the most disgustingly graphic descriptions of what this freak was fantasizing about doing with his body parts, and making real efforts to keep himself from punching the bastard's sickly face and sending him flying across the room. In the meantime, he could just glare and pray that the idiot got a hint.

"…You look like the silent and manly kind. Mmmm, I like how your type comes undone in my hands…"

Hijikata glared.

"…I can guarantee I can make you make sounds that you didn't even think possible…"

Hijikata glared, glared, and glared with all his might. Only his trademark death glare was not having the effect it usually had on his underlin

gs or your regular Joui patriot. It was, in fact, backfiring!

"Such a burning gaze… You could light a fire with those eyes, my dear. You're definitely lighting mine…"

Hijikata's jaw dropped.

"…I can't wait to have you down on all…"

Hijikata clenched his fist. That was it. He had rushed way past his snapping point. He was about to gladly indulge in the blinding fury that had been creeping up in his gut all evening when he caught a glimpse of white behind the annoying pestering arsehole.

The damned Yorozuya bastard was leaning on a column and smirking at him. He knew… The permbrain just knew this was going to happen. He knew Hijikata would reach his absolute limit and be torn between sending the operation to hell or cave in.

He also knew that Hijikata's sense of duty would not allow him to screw the operation if there was a viable alternative. Even if the alternative involved asking him for help. Which inherently made the viability questionable at best.

How it translated to the exterior, Hijikata ignored. But it was instantly clear that Gintoki was aware that he had capitulated and accepted whatever terms and conditions the Yorozuya's contract entailed. A second later, he could feel his presence behind him and an arm around his neck and down his chest. The silver-haired rested his chin on Hijikata's shoulder before speaking with a saccharine tone.

"Sorry pal, but this luscious cake already has a watering mouth to feed," he told _Frank_.

Hijikata gasped. This permy bastard was way more disgusting than any of the other arseholes he'd been putting up with all night.

"Cakes taste better when shared..." offered _Frank_ , unperturbed.

Gintoki smiled.

"I'm actually pretty greedy when it comes to my sweets, and you're messing with my favourite one."

"All right, all right, I'm not one to meddle between two fools in love. Although, let me say keeping such a treat exclusively for yourself is almost a crime."

"Lucky me there's no policemen around here then."

"You're one lucky bastard, you know?"

"That I am…" replied Gintoki softly.

"Well then… Bon appetite," said the other as a way of goodbye, giving Hijikata one last torrid look before withdrawing.

Hijikata, who had gone from bleach pale, to pink to bright red and back to white throughout the whole interaction, turned around mumbling some words of thanks without making eye contact with the freelancer. Colour returned to his face only once he had lit a new cigarette and exhaled a shaky, smoky breath.

A totally unfazed Gintoki followed him to the bar and placed an order for drinks during which the waiter and him exchanged a bunch of flirty words. Hijikata eyed him warily. How could this bastard be so suave and comfy here? This rotten twisted arsehole could just pull anything off, could he?

Hijikata shook his head. He really needed to focus on the task at hand.

Gintoki put a drink in front of him.

"I understand that we have an agreement…"

"Your price?"

"I trust you to adequately compensate my services. More importantly, I have conditions."

Hijikata shuddered but kept his usual cool exterior.

"Which are...?"

"I'm sure you can imagine…"

"I'd rather not."

"Well…" Gintoki got closer to the vice commander who tried to keep from showing the shiver that went down his spine. "My condition is that only for tonight…" he whispered in Hijikata's ear who was stiff as hell and looking pointedly forward, "…you are _Toshi_ … and I am _Gin_ … and..." Hijikata braced himself, "...we go all out in our gay personas!" finished Gintoki merrily.

"Wha-?

"Yes! Listen, I have it all figured out. I will be _Gin_ , a wedding planner that lived with his ill mum and only when she died was he able to express his homosexuality freely. After that, he went full on diva to make up for the time he had lost. He was promiscuous, he was adventurous, he tried it all. And you will be _Toshi_ , a salary man who became the caprice of the company manager's daughter and agreed to a marriage that was economically convenient but made him unhappy. We met on the day of your wedding, where I was an assistant, and fell in love at first sight. With the excuse of discussing some catering details in the middle of the banquet, I took you to a closet and ravaged you. After that, we didn't see each other for years, until a few months ago, after your divorce. Sparks flew instantly again, but you had trouble accepting your sexuality and rejected me many times. I pursued you ceaselessly until one night of weakness when you gave in. The morning after you couldn't deny the fact that sex with me was the best you had ever had."

Hijikata's cigarette fell from his open mouth as Gintoki finished his compelling tale with a proud smile.

"Wha-?" exhaled the vice commander.

Gintoki smiled and shook Hijikata's limp hand to seal the deal.

"You do your job, Vice Commander. I'll take care of the rest."

As much as Hijikata hated to accept it, from then on things began to be a lot easier for him. He was able to finally make a proper mapping in his mind of the layout of the place, including the potential escape routes, the rooms, the doors, the people, and, more importantly, the potential suspicious interactions. Obviously, it was a difficult feat considering the horde of horny punks with no physical boundaries that plagued the place. He could tell there was some prostitution going on, but no exchange of drugs so far. There was a guy with tattooed arms, however, that had been standing still in front of a closed door for 45 minutes and no one had gone in or out during the whole time. That was where Hijikata's attention was currently focused.

As he was scribbling a rough description of the guy in his notebook he barely registered a man a couple of meters away from Gintoki and him that was looking in his direction, but who quickly lost interest as Gintoki's absent-minded hand came to rest on Hijikata's thigh. Sometimes it was a light touch, other times it would just be a glare from Gintoki, but no one had come close to Hijikata for the last hour, and for that, he was grateful.

About ten minutes later, Hijikata saw a punk with blond hair approaching the tattooed man. They exchanged a couple of words and he showed him some money. The man opened the door for him, but not without carefully checking his surroundings first. Hijikata moved a bit to hide discreetly behind Gintoki.

"They may be gathered in that room," he said when the blond guy came out a few minutes later and headed straight for the toilets.

"Do you wanna go in? You don't know how many there will be. I'll come with you."

"Moron, I cannot get a civilian involved in this."

"Are you seriously saying that after all the times I've gotten dragged into the Shinsengumi's crazy jumbles?"

As the silver-haired said this, Hijikata saw someone approaching them from Gintoki's rear. He thought he could also give this charade a try. If this perm-head could do it, there was no reason why he couldn't.

He stretched his hand and brushed Gintoki's fringe lightly from his forehead.

The man effectively turned around and Hijikata was smugly congratulating himself until he noticed the shocked expression on his interlocutor.

"What...? Wait... what the hell are you blushing for, creep?"

"Oh... but _Toshi_ was so sweet just now, I hadn't seen this side of you since that day in the closet..."

"Shut it, jackass!" The idiot was definitely enjoying this far too much. "I need to go in there," he continued, quickly changing the embarrassing topic. "Do you think we could manage that without a ruckus?"

Gintoki thought about it for a bit.

"There may be a way," he said mysteriously. "Follow my lead."

Hijikata swallowed hard.

* * *

Author's note: This chapter was a bit tricky and my muse and I weren't much in sync for the majority of it. In any case, here it is at last! Thank you to all of you who reviewed, followed and favourited! Go on and enjoy the read! Let me know what you think!


	8. Lesson 8

Author's note:The author walks into the pressroom and immediately the cameras start shooting. She bows very, very low with an anguished look on her face. The cameras' shooting picks up. The anticipation among the attendants is sky rocketing as she sits down on the lonely long table and faces the audience.

"I know I should have updated this fanfic a long time ago," she starts saying with pain on her features. "A lot of things happened and I couldn't dedicate it the necessary time," she continues as tears start rolling down her face. "I know... I know it's been almost a year since the last update." She starts pounding her fists on the table in distress. "There is no justification for such an atrocious act of neglect!" Her cheeks are now completely wet with tears and her face contorts in agony as she shouts, "I deserve to be shunned and ostracized from the Gintama community!" She places her forehead on the table as she keeps slamming it with her fists. "All I can offer now is a fresh new chapter that I hope you enjoy, and a promise to update the story in more regular intervals." She raises her head, stands up and vows again, "As well as ask for your forgiveness, dear readers. Gomen'nasai!"

 **Beta reader: Sorcerousfang**

* * *

 **Lesson 8: Effort? Wits? Nonsense. The Only Way to Achieve Things in This Life is by Praying Very Very Hard**

"Shinpachi! Where is Gin-san?" asked Kagura, lying face down on the couch once Ladies Four credits started rolling.

"He said he had to do some work for our latest client tonight," responded Shinpachi as he stood up to collect empty tea mugs from the table and pick up sukombu packaging from the floor.

"He's been saying that for three days, and yesterday he came back after dawn again reeking of liquor and women," she pouted.

"Well, if he's skipping on the job he'll run out of excuses soon," reasoned the teenager.

"Is it tomorrow when we're off to the countryside, aru?" asked Kagura as she stretched and turned around on the sofa.

"Yes, so don't stay up late tonight, Kagura-chan. Tomorrow will be a long day," added Shinpachi as he came back from the kitchen.

"It is not fair! Gin-san is out every day having fun while his children starve to death in this dirty den!"

"How can you say that, Kagura-chan!? I spent the whole day cleaning the apartment. I even showered Sadaharu!" complained the megane character.

"Sadaharu doesn't like to be so clean! Shampoo makes him sneezy!" she said, throwing a Jump magazine she'd found under the sofa at Shinpachi.

"Well, I am going home now, 're welcome to come for dinner and avoid 'starving to death'. Ane-ue says she's preparing something special tonight," he said while putting his shoes on at the door.

"I struck a deal with Baba when I saw Gin-san leaving earlier. Sorry, Shinpachi, you'll have to eat it all on your own."

Shinpachi sighed heavily as he reluctantly made it to the door to go home to his digestive doom.

Meanwhile, a cross-armed Hijikata deadpanned at the show unfolding in front of his eyes: the permed pain in the butt pulling ridiculous faces and blowing raspberries at himself in the mirror of the club's filthy bathroom in a pathetic attempt to, in his own words, brush off his acting skills.

"What are you doing, perm?"

"Acting exercises, Mayora. You should also get ready; you don't want to go blank in the middle of our grand finale."

"You and I know that this will end up with us kicking ass all over the place, so what's with the preliminaries?"

"Don't look down on me. This will be the performance of a career, just you wait," he said proudly.

"What are you planning on doing, anyway?"

"Plans, plans… minor details. I've found that improvising as I go along usually yields much better results," said Gintoki, approaching Hijikata with a grin. "C'mere. We have to look like convincing lovers," he said as he threw an arm around the other man's shoulder. When Hijikata instinctively tried to get away, he added, "Loosen up, Vice Commander. Sometimes you have to let go of control and allow the flow to take over."

Suddenly, Hijikata froze. Where had he heard that before? He squeezed his eyes shut. His mind was transported somewhere deep inside his memory.

 _A shirtless and sweaty Gintoki had his arm around him, holding him in place._

 _Hijikata glared in opposition. He wanted to get the hell away from this permed troublemaker._

 _"Sometimes you have to let go of control and let the flow take over, Vice Commander,"_

 _said Gintoki's confident voice in his ear._

Hijikata had stopped in his tracks. Another fucking flashback. What the hell?

"Everything all right, Toshi-kun? Are you getting wobbly knees before going on stage? Don't worry, Gin-san will hold you up."

When Hijikata looked at him, he had the same goofy smile he had just seen in his head and had to look away immediately. It was too late to back down, as they were out of the toilets and approaching the tattooed guard. He would have to put his shit together, fast. The non-plan was in motion.

The man stationed in front of the suspicious room looked them up and down. Gintoki's nonchalance contrasted with Hijikata's clear discomfort.

"Yo," said Gintoki.

The man crossed two arms like two trunks in front of his chest as a clear sign for them to turn the fuck around and go back to whatever hole they had crawled out from.

"Get lost," he said.

"Oi, fella. Way to treat two potential customers."

"What do you punks want?"

"What do you think? Some sugar would be nice…"

"Then go to the candy shop, retard."

"Come on… a blond guy in the toilet told me you could get us stuff to have some fun, you know what I mean…"

"Ain't nothing for ya here, scum."

"Oi, are you playing hard to get or what? Gin-san doesn't find that cute, you know?"

The man looked highly suspicious at the two of them, especially at Hijikata who wasn't even looking his way and was squirming under Gintoki's arm.

"What's up with sour face?" he asked.

Hijikata looked immediately pissed and glared at him, vice commander style. Gin panicked.

"H-he's just impatient to go spend some quality time with Gin-san, right…b- babe?" he forced out with an unnaturally high pitched voice. When he only received a disgusted twist of the mouth he cleared his throat and turned to trunk-arms, smiling a forced smile. "We just wanted to get something to spice things up a bit, you understand, right?" he tried to cover, adding a wink, but Hijikata's frown wasn't cooperating at all. "Mayo, mayo, think of mayo, Mayora! Oh dear god of Mayo, I promise if you do this for me I'll dump ketchup and start putting mayo on my chips!" shouted Gintoki in his head.

"Just show us your material and we'll get a move on," came Hijikata's authoritarian voice from his side.

Gin imagined himself cutting the jerks balls off and feeding them to Sadaharu. What had he ever done to the condiment deities to deserve this idiot!?

"Ya' ain't freaking coppers, ain't ya?" said the tattooed beast, suddenly tense, directing a suspicious look in Hijikata's direction. "You sure stink of fuzz…"

"T-that's my Toshi for ya…" tried to improvise the silver head. "His stern look is what gives me the ho-hots," high-pitched Gintoki again trying to look all cozy with Hijikata who wasn't buying any of it. Why was he the one doing all the friggin' work here!? "I'm thinking of gettin' 'im one of those Shinsengumi uniforms. I bet he would look just s-steamy in one of those, don't ya think?"

"What do I care?" said the man, mildly disgusted as Gintoki nosed at Hijikata's ear. "Cool it…" he whispered.

Suddenly, the door they desperately were trying to cross opened, and a guy with at least 20 earrings in each ear appeared with the clear intention of saying something to his colleague until he saw them and stopped dead.

"Who are these?" he asked.

"Just a pair of horny punks…" muttered the guard.

Hijikata snapped, and it was a long time coming.

"WHO ON EARTH ARE YOU CALLING HORN-" he started shouting before suddenly getting cut off by Gintoki grabbing his chin, turning his face to him and without preamble, any kind of previous warning, or permission, and Buddha knows he wouldn't have gotten it in a million years (although perhaps with a generous enough offer of mayonnaise on the table...), the silver-haired samurai pressed his lips to the astounded Shinsengumi's own.

...

...

...

(The information took a while to register, ok?)

 _"WH- WHA- WHAT IN THE NAME OF BUDDHA ARE YOU DOING, PERMY FREAK!? Do you wanna die? Do you have a death wish?"_ thought-shouted Hijikata at the top of his brain wave capacity.

 _"I'm trying to stop you from blowing our cover, you moron, will you chill out!?"_ responded the silver haired awkwardly trying to manoeuvre the other's lips open with his own.

 _"How could I? This is the most ridiculous and nonsensical undercover mission ever devised! ...Ouch! ...Did you just bite me?"_

 _"This is a masterplan that would have granted us access without further ado if you weren't being such a goddamed uptight ass… Yes! I did! We're supposed to be two passionate lovers. Mind cooperating a bit? And while you're at that, could you please quit looking so fucking shocked, they're gonna notice this is our first kiss!"_

 _"All right, I get it!"_ conceded Hijikata obediently to Gin's utter amazement.

Gintoki looked sideways to the two punks, the earrings guy appeared to be simply weirded out, but tattooed trunk-arms still looked suspicious as hell. He needed to make this more believable. When he focused back on Hijikata, he had his eyes closed like a goddamned Disney princess.

 _"Stop it with the prudish face and show some tongue man! This is a friggin gay bar!"_

 _"You're such a demanding arsehole! As if you were doing a much better job, you slobbery jerk! Let's see… tongue…like this?"_

 _"Ughh.. too much!"_

 _"Right… how about now?"_

 _"Umm, that's better…"_

 _…_

 _…_

 _"Mmmmmm"_

 _…_

 _…_

 _"Oh… yes… definitely better"_

Leave it to the demon vice commander of the Shinshengumi to do his best at whatever he put his mind to. Gintoki found himself turning his body completely towards the mayo-freak to wrap around him possessively.

"Ewww! You creeps, go get a room already!"

"Do you think we wanna be here wasting our time with you either?" said Hijikata resolutely detaching himself from an awestruck and breathless Gintoki. "The sooner we get our stuff the sooner we can go fuck each other's brains out." An acute cry caught on Gintoki's throat.

"Do you have money?" asked more pragmatically the smaller man from the door after a short pause.

Point and match for Toshi. Tomorrow Gintoki was going to find a Mayo shrine and leave his jump collection as a sacrificial tribute to the Mayo God and his demonic Messiah on Earth.


	9. Lesson 9

**A/N: Here's the next chapter! Consider it part of my apology for the long hiatus of the story.** **I take the opportunity to thank everyone that reviewed, F &Fed and overall gave this story their support. This lesson is for you. Enjoy!**

 **Potential spoilers for the latest chapters of the manga:**

 **Some action ensues, please bear in mind I'm making them have the kind of believable but still amazing strength they had at the beginning of the manga, none of this shounen craze that goes on in the latest volumes with them rampaging through hundreds and thousands of amanto without anyone getting so much as a scratch.  
**

* * *

 **Lesson 9: Crucial information is to be used wisely**

Gintoki followed Hijikata, who was walking behind the earrings idiot, across the goddamned door, closing the line was trunk-arms. Gintoki could feel the brute's breath on his neck as they plunged into the darkness. One could think they were absolutely nuts, going in to the dragon's den like that, not knowing what awaited them on the other side, encircled by enemies and without any form of weapon. They reached a well-lit room that looked like it was used for storage. A big rowdy-looking group gathered there, they were noisy and looked aggressive. From that moment on they would have to rely on their bare wits, trust their intuition and proceed with cold blood and determination. They knew it would be dangerous. Their only advantage at the moment was their made up backstory. Every move, every word and every gesture would have to be executed with upmost precision, no mistakes allowed. Their interactions smart, subtle, strategically designed to…

"Look! It's the pair of weirdos from the other night!" said one of the thugs.

"What? What are they doing here?" asked another.

Gintoki and Hijikata couldn't but look at each other nonplussed.

Oh right… the incessant stripe of exciting surprises arising from the night without memories… or with only disgusting ones, as Hijikata would put it.

When they looked up, the head of the Hakoatsu Joui faction, Kentao Hiroshi, the old man that followed him like a fart, plus a dozen Joui more were looking up at them in stunned amazement.

Silence reigned.

"Really?" Gintoki's voice finally broke the tense silence "after all the effort I've put into developing this character! Has it been all for nothing?"

Not in a hundred years had Gintoki been expecting that the only one that would laugh at his joke would be an unnaturally amused Hijikata Toushiro. He advanced into the centre of the room, taking the spotlight, as Gintoki stayed behind with their two friends.

Hijikata chuckled (a chuckle that would shush a lion, though). The temperature dropped several degrees as all eyes were now on the slow motion of Hijikata's hand as he reached into his pocket. All the punks in that room made a move for their weapons and didn't let go until Hijikata had brought out a cigarette and lighted it in his mouth. Hijikata closed his eyes as he drew from his cigarette without losing the devilish smile that had earned him his infamous nickname.

"See what I told you?" whispered Gintoki to the cupboard-sized tattooed thug "Who wouldn't get all bothered down South when he goes all out Shinshengumi Vice-commander style?"

A general gasp run through the room.

"The Vice-commander of the Shinshengumi!? How did he get in here?"

The milliard-earrings dude had the decency to look apologetic at least.

"We're doomed, they call him a demon" said a voice. "I've heard he eats babies for breakfast" said another. "They say his strength comes from mayo enemas" said a third voice.

"Perm-head…" a vein popped in Hijikata's forehead "Would you mind not undermining my awesomeness in front of an outnumbering group of enemies?"

"Sorry, I suppose it's not a good idea, especially considering you are unarmed"

The Yorozuya-induced vein started pulsating erratically.

"Ooops, sorry, I suppose I shouldn't draw attention to that when we're surrounded by enemies and trapped in a room that… yes…. just got its only escape door locked"

"Just shut it permy freak! And step aside, this is Shinsengumi's business"

"What do you mean, sweety? I ain't leaving you alone with all these men that look like they haven't got any in years, if ever" said Gintoki stepping up and pushing Hijikata aside.

"Move it, perm" he said pushing the silver-haired back "This is as far as our contract goes. The deal's off now, no more charade needed"

"Don't you go all knight-in-shining armour on me, if anything I should be the one shouldering the responsibility, sugar booger"

"Who's a sugar booger, arsehole!?"

An amused and arrogant young voice interrupted them.

"What an entertaining pair, just like the other night" Kentao stood up and separated from the crowd "I could listen to your banter for hours, unfortunately, we're on a schedule here. Please, Hijikata-dono forgive my rudeness, since we are relatively new in town I didn't have the pleasure of knowing you. Had we known you were one of the bastards following us around a couple of nights ago I would have introduced myself earlier. I pictured you quite differently, I must say. But I've heard great things about you. I heard you were a brilliant strategist, that's why I can't for the life of me figure out how you would think you could fool us again using the same tactic, and with the same companion, not the most discreet one, mind you"

"Believe me, that is no choice of my own. Anyway, drop your weapons and surrender, you're under arrest"

This time it was Kentao's turn to scoff.

"Very amusing, Vice-Commander. I don't know if you understand the situation you're in"

Hijikata smiled once more before getting the last drag of his cigarette, throwing it to the floor and starting to fold up the sleeves of his shirt.

"Son, I think you're the one that doesn't understand"

Upon assessing the state of their audience, Gintoki wanted to laugh out loud at how much this jerk relied on his reputation to win fights. They were outnumbered five to one and without weapons but still, the fools were scared shitless, and they weren't even scared of the right person.

Kentao wasn't that stupid though, his voice sounded annoyed and mildly on edge as he shouted across the room: "They are unarmed, you idiots, finish them off!"

Gintoki immediately ducked to avoid the iron fist directed at his face from his bulky former friend. He rolled on the floor and made the earrings guy fall hard on his back before he could attack him. The rest of the bunch had launched towards Hijikata. Taking advantage of the confusion, Kentao and the old man took their escape through a back door that Gintoki hadn't noticed before. The split second that it took him to take notice of this was enough for him to get caught in a tattooed arm-head lock. His other ex-friend had picked up himself from the floor and was brandishing a small knife. It wasn't hard for Gintoki to kick it out of his hand and then knock him backwards with both feet, but he was starting to get a bit green from the lack of oxygen. He would fucking do with some help right about now… He scanned the room, the bunch of thugs surrounding him didn't allow Gintoki to see where Hijikata was, and he doubted that the Shinsengumi would have the free time to check on him. Suddenly, as if conjured, the officer was kicked his direction and landed face first a few meters from him. _'At least he is also getting his ass kicked'_ , comforted the ever-rivalling-with-Hijikata part of his brain before the more-interested-in-surviving part of his brain kicked its nards. It was all in all fortunate that Hijikata had seen him pathetically trying to disentangle himself from the mole of muscle above him, because when an overconfident flunky tried to finish the Shinsengumi with a sharp tantou while he was still on the floor, Hijikata made him fly above him with a foot to his stomach, grabbed the weapon from his hand and threw it at Gintoki's attacker before the poor lad had even hit the floor. The knife dived into Gintoki's attacker's shoulder, which made him flinch enough for Gintoki to take his opportunity and head-butt him backwards making him lose his balance and his grasp on him. Gintoki then sent a flying kick to his face and the mountain collapsed against the wall.

"Yorozuya! I have my hands full here!"

Still gasping for air Gintoki looked up at Hijikata who was now holding a sword in each hand. Covered in sweat and blood as he was, he was giving him a very pointed look from under his V-shaped bangs. Gintoki understood immediately and dashed towards the back door through which Kentao had disappeared shortly before.

* * *

An hour later, colourful police car and ambulance lights adorned the street outside Sinners. Shinsengumi run all over the place, some taking into custody the Joui members who had been too beat up to escape when the police had stormed into the place, others were taking notes from witnesses and Harada was interrogating the owner of the place who was a puddle of tears.

Hijikata was leaning against a police car after getting fixed up a bit by the medics. He was quite bruised up, but had nothing serious. Over at one of the ambulances, Gintoki was also being checked. He had got back empty handed a few minutes earlier. He said that Kentao and the old man were nowhere to be seen when he had gone after them but had kept on searching around for a while nonetheless.

Gintoki raised his head that moment and locked eyes with him before pushing aside the medic to stand up despite the latter's protests.

Hijikata stood up as well, picked up something from the car and came to meet him half way carrying a bit of a limp.

"So, I guess we call it a night" said Gintoki.

"I suppose so" said Hijikata handing him the bokuto, which had been rescued from the club's 'wardrobe' along with the officer's sword. Gintoki slid his weapon back in place.

"…"

"…"

"Umm… aren't we going to talk about the…" started to say Gintoki.

"?"

"You know.. about the k…"

"The katana?"

"No idiot! The ki…."

"The kiseru?"

"No arsehole! That bloody amazing K-I-S-S that we shared!" whisper-spelled Gintoki.

"Oh yeah, sorry, sure..." supplied Hijikata calmly stepping on the butt of his finished cigarette. He grabbed the hilt of his sword, that was back securely on his hip, and a millisecond later the blade was on Gintoki's throat. "You tell a single soul and you're a dead perm, understood?" he hissed dangerously.

Gintoki was so shocked that he couldn't even react for a bit.

"I get it, I get it, bastard, but…"

"Don't ever bring it up again"

"You know…don't freak out but…, maybe… we kick ass at it because we've done it before…"

Hijikata refused to acknowledge this comment and put his sword back into the scabbard. If only he had heard anything else from…

"Any more news from Yamazaki?" Gintoki voiced his thoughts.

"I told him we headed to Yoshiwara after the Casino so he is following that lead"

"All right… Well… let me know"

"Sure"

"See you around then, Vice-commander" he said.

"Hopefully not too soon, Yorozuya" replied Hijikata recognizing the allusion to their previous farewell, just the night before.

"Bye Danna" said Sougo as they crossed paths. The silver-haired samurai waved a lazy hand.

"Way to go, Hijikata-san. I leave you alone for a few minutes and look at the circus that you organize"

"Things may have turned out differently if you had stayed and done your job properly, slacker"

"Slacker!? Who do you think sent the patrol to check on you only to find you covered in blood, fighting off a dozen terrorists? Be more mindful, Hijikata-san! You could have got yourself killed without me witnessing" Hijikata shot him a cold glare "Thankfully you had help"

They both looked at the retreating figure of the Yorozuya.

"Help, huh?"

Okita looked back at his superior briefly.

"Kinda weird that Danna couldn't catch an old man and a kid" he said nonchalantly as he opened the door of the police car driver's seat "I never took him for a slow runner"

"Fucking weird, indeed" agreed Hijikata.

He got into the car as Sougo started the engine, then switched on the car radio.

"Yamazaki" he spoke into the receiver.

"Yes, sir?" came the metallic voice.

"Meet me at headquarters when you get back tonight"

"Yes, sir!"

Hijikata sighed. He had been hoping he didn't have to resort to this but it looked like it couldn't be helped, it was getting ridiculous. He'd have to tell Yamazaki about the hotel.


	10. Lesson 10

**Lesson 10: Breakfast is the most important** **meal of the day**

Gintoki woke up very reluctantly after the annoying justaway went off.

It was not often that he used that particular setting of the clock (the alarm). He believed that if he never woke up before 11am, that probably had to do with nature's design and who was he to go against mother nature?. Moreover, he had been feeling sluggish and tired for a few days. He'd not had a proper night sleep in a while, not to mention the night before he'd once again got involved in a scuffle, but what was new about that?

Gintoki slowly dragged his body out of the futon as if it weighted a ton. He stood up with a loud groan. His perm the epitome of messy. He didn't need to see it, he knew... there was a reason why he didn't have a mirror in his room.

He scratched his butt and walked to the door while yawning loudly. He slid it open.

"Shinpa..." He started, before realising that he was alone.

 _That's right... they are not here..._

His neurons weren't properly functioning yet, but now he remembered. They needed to finish that damned job. After much food bargaining, he had managed to convince the kids to go early in the morning and get some stuff they needed. While shamelessly buying himself some sleepy time. But that meant they wouldn't be there to wake him up either, hence the alarm clock.

Gintoki wasn't particularly happy when he accepted this job. It was a shade dodgier than usual, but he was 2 months behind in the rent and they really needed the cash.

What he hadn't been expecting was the Shinshengumi to catch wind of things so early, the bastards were efficient at the least convenient times. But the most inconvenient part of all was that their very Vice-commander had decided to get himself personally involved. That complicated matters a thousand times more, cause the bastard was sharp as hell and Gintoki knew he was suspicious. Hell, if anything, Gintoki's involvement had set the raven haired in high alert from the get go, which had been in that damned hotel of all places. To top it all, last night's stunt had been a real fuckup, and there was no way Hijikata hadn't seen through it.

Gintoki shook those thoughts away from his head and started dragging his body towards the kitchen to get his much needed sugar fix. Once in the kitchen, Gintoki, tiredly opened the door of the almost empty fridge and grabbed a carton of strawberry milk.

He walked back to the main living space, and collapsed heavily onto his desk chair. With his legs up on the desk he started drinking the sweet pink contents. His eyelids fluttering in pleasure.

Gintoki let out a loud sigh and put the empty carton on the table. He was stretching his arms up wide when he heard the main entrance door slide open. Gintoki quickly located his bokuto in the room with trained eye. When the door of the living room opened, he already had a lazy pinkie in his ear and his dead fish eyes were back in place.

He looked at the visitor as he walked in.

 _You joking right?_

There, once again in his annoyingly slick Shinsengumi attire, and looking like he wanted to be anywhere but there, stood the Shinsengumi oni no fukuchou.

"Ain't we getting clingy?" couldn't help but joke Gintoki by means of greeting.

Hijikata shot him a glare.

"I'll have you know, I'm here in strictly official Shinsengumi business" he said crossing the door.

"Aren't you always?" yawned Gintoki in a bored voice.

Hijikata reached a hand into the inner pocket of his jacket as he approached the desk.

"I won't take long. I'm bringing your payment from last night" he said dropping an envelope on top of the desk.

Gintoki didn't move. He looked briefly at the envelope and then back at Hijikata.

"No need to. I didn't do it for money, really" he said a bit too quickly.

Hijikata's brows furrowed almost imperceptibly and Gintoki knew he had screwed up again. The silver haired could almost see Hijikata's sophisticated brain machinery processing information at full speed. But frankly, Gintoki's own was still at the wheel invention stage at this time in the morning. So yes..., he knew he should be devising an ultra-developed strategy that would help culminate the arc with a clever final plot twist, but this bastard had to barge into his apartment before the power of strawberry milk had kicked in.

Oh well, simple arc ending with fancy fight it was.

In his groggy state, Gintoki had just blurted out the truth (as rarely as that happened to him) because he had indeed some ethical issues accepting money for this particular piece of 'work'. Damn, his friggin' shounen morals.

"I don't wanna owe ya" responded Hijikata, looking at him as if seriously assessing the level of his stupidity.

 _It's not me, idiotic Mayora! It's your fault for appearing here before breakfast!_

Gintoki rattled his brain for something clever to say in order to wipe that look off Hijikata's face.

"So... did any of the thugs from last night give a good enough confession to put that little punk of Kentao behind bars?"

Hijikata shrugged and went back to his usual aloof demeanour.

"No such luck. Countryside folks hold strong loyalty bonds that are difficult to break" He explained trying not to sound too autobiographical. "These idiots have a weird respect and devotion for that runt, I wonder where that comes from. In any case, the issue may straighten itself out on its own. The drug lords of Edo are finally fed up with that newbie getting their share of the cake and have decided to erase him..."

Suddenly, Gintoki's attention peaked.

"...it would have been better for him that we caught him last night." continued Hijikata "One of our informants has got air that in an unprecedented display of teamwork, several factions have jointly hired amanto mercenaries to eliminate the whole Hakoatsu faction. We're currently on high alert"

"Why?" asked Gintoki hopeful "Isn't it convenient for you that things get sorted out without having to get your bunch involved?"

"Even if it is not stuff that I want to get involved in, as Edo's police we have to make sure things don't get too out of hand, to the point of threatening any passerby citizens" he said calmly as he started making his way to the door.

Gintoki looked down at the envelope once more.

 _Damn._

"Vice-commander, we've located the Hakoatsu faction in a warehouse near the harbour" interrupted Harada's voice from the radio.

 _Damn. Damn._

"Right, I'm on my way" answered Hijikata.

 _Damn. Damn. Damn._

Hijikata turned to walk away but right before crossing the door he suddenly stopped.

"By the way, there's something else"

He suddenly unsheathed his katana and turning quickly around, he threw it across the room and towards Gintoki before the silver haired had even time to register what was going on.

Two loud acute screeches resounded across the room.

* * *

OK

First things first.

He was still alive.

Gintoki was breathing (in fact his breath was frantic), his heart was beating (more like pounding in his chest) so there was still hope. If he had learnt something during the war, it was that pain was his friend, pain meant that he was still alive. The pain, excruciating, unbearable...

…

Wait.

He was not in pain. He patted his chest checking for wounds. He was not bleeding.

He was fine! Hijikata had missed!

Hijikata had missed?

No fuck! He had seen the bastard slice a friggin' bullet in half with his own eyes. Hijikata didn't miss, especially in these close quarters.

He looked up to see the officer compose himself and go round Gintoki's desk to retrieve his katana from the cupboard behind him, where it was stuck. He was not looking at him, but at something that had collapsed out from the cupboard behind him and was now passed out on the floor.

The origin of the second screech (the least pathetic of the two...) was none other than Sarutobi Ayame, his most faithful stalker.

Gintoki blinked in shock.

"I don't want to see her around here until we've cleared up our… 'situation'" said Hijikata stoically without looking at Gintoki.

 _What fricking situation, Mayora? Define situation, damn it!_

"W- what do you mean?"

"I have sent Yamazaki to investigate the hotel where we… you know, 'met' a few nights ago. When we find out the truth, you'll be released to your good-for-nothing life again. Until then, keep it in your pants, perm"

 _What the… What the... What the fuck is this moron even saying?_

"Like we're in some kind of fucked up relationship, you ass!"

"If you want to put it like that…" said Hijikata calmly.

 _No, I don't! Who would!?_

"Engrave this well in your permy head…" clarified Hijikata dangerously "Nobody cheats on the Vice-commander of the Shinshengumi"

And Gintoki's heart did the most screwed up skip beat of his life.

He looked in shock at the retreating figure of the police officer.

"Wait! Do I get any benefits out of this? Some groping or something!?"

Hijikata didn't answer and just made it to the entrance, put his shoes back on, slid the door to the street open and was about to exit the apartment when Gintoki called out to him.

"Hey Mayora!" He shouted, suddenly remembering where the officer was headed. He hesitated a bit before adding: "Be careful"

Hijikata turned his head slightly to look at him sideways and smiled an amused arrogant smile.

"Who's being clingy now?"

* * *

"You ready to go Gin-san?" asked Shinpachi shortly after Kagura and he came in through the door.

"It seems I cannot come with you after all" replied Gintoki who had just finished getting dressed and was picking his bokuto to slide it through his belt.

"Why?" Kagura whined "Why are you not coming, Gin-chan?"

"It appears things have escalated a tad quicker than I expected and there is somewhere else I need to be. Do you guys know what you have to do?"

"Yes, Gin-chan, you can trust us" said Kagura with reassurance.

"You sound serious, Gin-san. Is it gonna be dangerous?"

"Perhaps, but it's not the bruises that's going to hurt the most this time, I'm afraid"

"What are you on about, Gin-san?"

"Never mind, when you have the package, just come back and meet me at the harbour as soon as possible, all right?"

"All right!" sang both teenagers in unison.

"Let's do this" muttered Gintoki, more to himself than anyone else.

* * *

 **Author's note: And onto the grand finale, you guys! Tension peaks! What dangerous creatures await them in that warehouse? Where are Kagura and Shinpachi headed to? What did really happen in that hotel that ill-fated night? Was that Gin-san's last carton of strawberry milk? **

**Read on to find out! Hope you are intrigued and excited about what's coming!**


	11. Lesson 11

**Lesson 11: A bit of** ** _will-they won't-they_** **never killed anyone**

It was not difficult for Gintoki to find the place in the harbour where the Hakoatsu faction were 'hiding'. There were some half-assed attempts to disguise their presence, but it was clear they weren't particularly experienced in that department. Rookie mistakes could be found all over the place: barely hidden wheel prints on the ground of an otherwise clearly abandoned warehouse, recent cigarette stubs on the floor, an inept flunky on the lookout, and well... that sign on the door saying "Best Powder in Edo. Get 15% off by bringing your own carrier bag". Nice eco-business they had going on there…

Gintoki used a broken brick wall to reach a precarious looking water pipe and climb to the top of the building in order to peak through one of the large half-broken rooftop windows.

The vast expanse of a cargo area opened up right below him. Dozens of Joui busied themselves in transferring the contents of big bags of white powder (certainly not _icing_ sugar) to smaller containers, presumably the final presentation for the customer. They were then packaged and hidden in various ways and finally placed inside vans for transportation.

Along the large spacious room, countless rusty metallic shelves were stocked with dusty boxes with who knows which forgotten contents. The shelves reached several meters high, almost touching the also metallic overhead walkway surrounding the cargo area. Linking both sides of the walkway and crossing above, was a metallic bridge, from which Kentao, old man in tow as always, overviewed the scene and delivered orders to his minions below. The only apparent access to this bridge, Gintoki saw, was an also metallic staircase on the right hand side.

Gintoki carefully sneaked in through one of the many openings left by broken windows. The echo of noises and incomprehensive shouting from the frantic activity of the Joui doubled once he was inside the warehouse. He selected one of the many iron beams supporting the roof of the warehouse as his stakeout spot. From there he could observe both Kentao's moves and the main entrance without being noticed.

He positioned himself lying on his stomach on the cold iron and looked down at the scene, but ten minutes later he started getting fidgety and regretted not bringing some candy to keep himself nourished. He vaguely solidarized with Jimmy-kun and almost forgave him for going on an ampan fit after enduring this tedious torture for days on end.

Lucky for him, he didn't have to wait very long before a ruckus broke out down below. Suddenly the big gates of the warehouse were broken from outside and all the terrorists stopped what they were doing, aghast.

Fully expecting the Shinshengumi troops to come in crazy rampage at the Hakoatsu Joui, Gintoki grabbed his bokuto, but he was surprised when he saw that what had destroyed the door instead was a gigantic space ship. The thing was shamelessly pushing its way into the building destroying everything that came in its way.

 _The hell is that!?_ Thought Gintoki.

Even before it had fully stopped, tens of armed ronin jumped down from the ship and quickly deployed around the warehouse assuming strategic positions to keep the members of the Hakoatsu faction under control. The latter were confused, some tried to run, others turned to their leader at a loss as of how to proceed but Kentao looked just as surprised and confused as they were.

Then someone walked to the front of the ship. A bespectacled woman with dark locks, wearing a long red tight coat appeared, and Kentao grimaced in understanding and disgust.

"Fukushima..." he whispered with irritation.

"Kentao" said the woman in a much more conversational tone "I thought I had told ya to stop misbehaving, naughty boy"

"What do you want now, old hag?"

"You've decided to turn deaf ears on my warnings, and now the organized crime of this town is finally fed up with your stubbornness"

"I've told you already, ya'all just need to move aside and let the next generation take control of this city. Haven't you milked the underworld cow long enough?"

"I'm representing here today a lot of pissed off people. We are on the brim of a drug war because of the situation you've created, brat, but I may be able to calm them down if I bring your head back with me. You're lucky though, that I'm a benevolent woman, little runt. I have decided to give you one last chance: if you and your people vanish today, you will live".

 _Come on kiddo... do the sensible thing and make life easier for all of us..._ Thought Gintoki.

Kentao looked doubtful for a fraction of a second. He then exchanged the briefest of looks with the old man next to him. The latter's expression was unreadable as ever. Kentao regained his confidence.

"Everyone! Ignore this slutty bitch and keep working! If anyone comes to stop you, just cut them down!" he shouted finally to his expectant men.

 _Of course, you would say that, little shit._

"What a pity..." said the sensual Fukushima "…you were a smart kid, you could have gotten far"

She made a signal to one of her men.

The front platform of the ship cracked open. Some vapour hissing and pneumatic noises escaped it.

Immediately a thunder of unidentified clicking noises drowned any other sound. Everyone took their hands to their ears as the deafening noise invaded the warehouse. Gintoki almost dropped his bokuto in shock. Everyone's attention was on the darkness of the ship's depths, and awaited with expectant fear what would emerge from inside.

Slowly, a group of twenty or so grotesque creatures akin to gigantic insects started becoming visible as they made their way down the ship's front platform on two thin but powerful legs. They were tall, of a dark green colour, and covered in a viscous slime that made them look sticky and venomous. Their torso and abdomen were covered in a sturdy-looking armour from which four filamentous arms emerged, one of them ended in a extremely sharp-looking blade that looked able to cut a man's head in one strike. Another one ended in a powerful clamp, which they opened and closed compulsively, and was the origin of the thunderous noise that filled and echoed around the hollow building. Their eyes were big orbs that covered most of their small heads, the small black pupil at the centre moved disconcertingly fast surveying their surroundings.

Gintoki swallowed.

"These are the Mantisi" explained the one called Fukushima once the creatures stopped moving and the sounds diminished "They are a warrior race employed mainly as mercenary assassins in this side of the galaxy. They are kinda cheap to hire since… well, they like their craft a bit too much"

 _Crap, there are too many of them, we're in great need of shocking arrivals here,_ pleaded Gintoki.

Suddenly, one of the walls on one side of the building exploded and went ablaze. Everyone shouted and jumped to avoid being hit by the scattering debris. Gintoki had to hug the iron beam tightly to avoid falling.

A familiar figure emerged through the smoke, cigarette in mouth, hands in his pockets, looking as calm as if he was talking a walk in the park in a pleasant summer night.

 _About time you make your appearance, jerk..._

"Sorry... the main door was kind of cramped…" said the familiar deep voice "…so we had to make a new entrance"

 _You just like blowing up things, rotten cop..._ deadpaned Gintoki.

"Shinshengumi da!" Someone shouted and hell broke loose, as it often happened whenever those words were pronounced.

Shinshengumi flooded into the warehouse lashing at both Fukushima's and Kentao's men. Chaos reigned and the clash of blades and spilt of blood filled the warehouse.

"Oi, guys, let's wrap this up quickly" ordered the Vice-commander making his way across the crumbles of brick, right before noticing the woman on the ship "Crap… Fukushima..."

"Hey! Bakufu puppet, tell your wolf pack not to touch my men, you've got nothing on me..." greeted the woman insolently but with a glint on her eye as she addressed Hijikata "...and it's not as if you could raise your sword against amanto either"

Hijikata looked at the gigantic insects that had yet to make their move, he puffed on the cigarette on his lips as he approached them. The monsters were almost two heads taller than him.

"You're right" he said walking around one "I don't waste my time with low life drug smugglers like you, Fukushima. We fight terrorism. And... twice right, I can't use my sword against amanto... unless…"

He got closer to the creature, which moved one of its pupils to rest idly on the Shinshengumi officer, and with his eyes fixed on the woman above him, Hijikata cut himself with the sharp appendage of the Mantisi.

"...it's in self-defence"

Gintoki scoffed. _Do you always have to be so needlessly badass, idiot?_

Fukushima also scoffed, but for a completely different reason.

"You just dug your own grave, Vice-commander"

The Mantisi looked at its blade mildly curious. Then slowly raised it to its mouth, and with a black tongue licked the blood off it with grotesque gusto. Immediately something changed in its eyes.

The pupil that had been set on Hijikata almost indifferently, dilated with an intensity that rooted Hijikata to the spot. A wild and acute roar erupted from its insides and expanded across the room as the creature seemed to increase in stature and volume in the course of a few seconds, taking its monstrosity to a whole new level. Suddenly, and out of nowhere it threw an attack aimed directly at Hijikata's neck.

The Shinshengumi reacted fast, managing to dodge just in time to save his head from being severed.

"What the fuck…" he exclaimed astounded from the floor where he had fallen ungraciously.

"There's no way I can stop them now. Mantisi warriors are all female, and guess what their favourite treat is?" She informed sadistically "Human testosterone, especially with a pinch of adrenaline. When men are fighting for their life is the best moment to cut their heads off and drink up their blood"

"I see... so testosterone is their mayonnaise..." Hijikata muttered to himself in all seriousness.

Gintoki facepalmed. _Get your shit together, moron!_

"You just voluntarily provided her with a taster of your delicious masculine blood Hijikata-han" she added playful "One can only imagine what a delicious treat a man like you must be…"

Gintoki rolled his eyes.

 _Oh…Pleeaaase…_ _spare us the gratuitous flirting._

Meanwhile Hijikata was trying to avoid getting slashed by the gigantic creature.

"You're not interested now, officer? Oh my, how ungraceful of you" Taunted Fukushima "I didn't know the Shinshengumi Vice-commander was such a tease…"

 _Nope darling, he's just inept..._ Added Gintoki bitchily.

Hijikata finally got a break and after getting grasp of his sword and dejecting a murderous clamp, he managed to stand up and assume a fighting stance.

Some sort of communication must have been going on between the creatures in the meantime using their weird castanet language, because one by one they all underwent their hulk-like metamorphosis and were viciously engaging in battle. Some attacking indiscriminately officers or ronin, other trying to reach specific targets, like those attempting to reach Kentao or those turning towards Hijikata.

"Let's go boys, our job's done here!" Announced Fukushima to her men.

"Attack Shinshengumi! Don't let a single one of them go!" Commanded Hijikata at the top of his lungs.

The fight intensified between Shinshengumi, Fukushima's ronin and Hakoatsu Joui. Now Hijikata had two Mantisi on his case and barely any time to block the countless attacks directed his way.

Gintoki tried to focus on what was going on at the bridge. Luckily he didn't need to get involved just yet.

 _This would be a good moment for Shinpachi and Kagura to arrive._

Three more monsters were approaching Hijikata from the back while he was barely managing to keep the slimy creatures in front of him in check.

 _No... this is not what I'm here for, I'm sick of jumping in to help this moronic suicidal imbecile._

Hijikata tried to land a hit on his most immediate attacker, but since their arms were way longer than his sword he got sliced by the sharp appendage before he could reach anywhere vital.

Gintoki's brow was dripping with sweat.

The Mantisi trying to go up the metallic stairway kept climbing even though they were too big and clumsy to manage that while fencing off the attacks from the Joui above.

Hijikata was surrounded. Their feast was served. The clicking of their clamps got louder.

Gintoki's heart was hammering in his chest.

 _Fucking incompetent policemen, don't you see your leader is in danger!? Where the fuck is Sofa-kun when you need him?_

One of the creatures had switched strategy and was attempting to jump and reach from below the bridge where Kentao and the old man were. With those powerful legs, it would happen sooner rather than later.

 _Where the hell are those kids?_

The amanto monsters were circling Hijikata with the most disgusting hungry/horny look.

Gintoki covered his ears and started chanting Doraemon's opening song.

The grotesque monsters were literally drooling as they towered over the officer.

 _…that sort of dream, this sort of dream, I have many of them…_

They were going to just jump him from behind, the bastardic cowards.

 _…please, make them come true with your mysterious pocket…_

One of the drooling Mantisi's antennae twitched.

Hijikata felt a rush of wind and turned around just to get splashed with a black viscous liquid. He saw two Mantisi's heads rolling on the floor. His startled eyes locked with red dead-fish ones at once.

"Sorry I'm late, Honey?"

Hijikata tsked and turned his back on him.

"What a surprise to see you here" he said sounding _awfully unsurprised_.

"You've overcome your shock a bit too fast for someone that was seconds away from becoming an aphrodisiacal amanto popsicle"

"I didn't need your help, I was doing just fine"

"Sure" spat Gintoki sceptically.

Gintoki surveyed the situation. The good news were that the Mantisi that were trying to reach Kentao had stopped their attempts upon seeing their comrades' heads rolling. The bad news were that all the Mantisi, including those that were trying to reach Kentao were giving him and Hijikata their full attention.

Soon him and Hijikata were completely surrounded by drooling horny pissed off female amanto arthropods.

"Yeah, look at that, you really helped, permy idiot"

"Sorry for saving your life, mayo jerk"

Gintoki slashed a sharp appendage that was headed his way and ducked just in time to avoid getting chopped by a clamp that closed loudly above his head. Two Mantisi were advancing on him and pushing him backwards. Those fucking long appendages! It was impossible to land a hit without getting within the reach of their clamp, a frontal attack was almost impossible, since they were so damned fast as well.

Hijikata was also trying to get in there but he was getting scratched every time. His uniform was already in tatters so he took off his jacked and threw it over one of the Mantisi's heads, immediately charging at the blinded monster and digging his sword deep in the beast's head.

They were rewarded with a renewed bunch of enraged creatures clicking their clamps angrily, ready to attack. Gintoki was desperately trying to devise a way to change their luck. He kept retreating until his back bumped against Hijikata's. They looked at each other briefly. They both knew they were done for. Suddenly, the world shook under their feet and a powerful explosive wave sent them flying across the room.

Battered head and body, world swirling around him, ears painful and filled with a high pitch buzz. Gintoki barely registered bits of broken clamps, scattered Mantisi appendages and black blood spread all around. A few meters from him, Hijikata coughed, he was trying to stand up using his katana for support.

As the dust started depositing, Gintoki could see that all around the warehouse human figures were lowering themselves with ropes from the windows above shouting unintelligible threats and engaging in battle with the ronin below.

Above him and Hijikata stood two figures, one big and white, another slender with long dark hair floating sideways despite the lack of wind.

"Hohoho" an obnoxious laugh could be heard coming from one of them. "And so the mighty Joui saved the day. Wasn't that cool, Gintoki?"

"Zura!?" Exclaimed Gintoki utterly confused.

 **To be continued...**

* * *

 **Author's note: This was seriously tricky to write. I like my Gintama mainly conversational, just like the real thing, but this chapter needed heavy description of the setting. Hope it worked and things didn't get too entangled to follow, but climaxes need to be knotted so that they can be beautifully unknotted at the end.**


	12. Lesson 12

**Lesson 12: It is the Sign of a Good Man to be Humble as a Winner and Graceful as a Loser**

The dust from the explosion was slowly depositing back down, allowing the view of Katsura's men joining in the battle between Shinshengumi, Hakoatsu, and Fukushima's factions; adding entropy to the already chaotic setting of the warehouse.

Battered, coughing, and still confused by the sudden deflagration, Hijikata rose as best as he could, leaning on his katana.

"Runaway Katsura..." he hissed with raspy voice. For all he knew, what had just happened was an attempt on his life by the wanted criminal and that joke of a pet in front of him. He grabbed his sword properly and stumbling slightly assumed an offensive stance.

"Greetings, Hijikata-dono" said the Joui rebel bowing respectfully, completely oblivious to the implied threat in Hijikata's tone.

"What are you doing here, Zura?" asked Gintoki matter-of-factly.

"You were about to be devoured by monsters, Gintoki, I prevented it. Oh, and it's not Zura, it's Katsura" he said offhandedly.

"No, I mean, what are you _doing_ here?" insisted Gintoki mildly annoyed "What does this whole ordeal have to do with you and your men?"

"Ha ha ha! Genius Gintoki! You truly are a main character in your own right!" he said grabbing his chin deeply impressed. "Making me state my motivations to the audience concerning things that happened off-camera. Very well, very well…" He nodded; eyes closed "I had been following from the shadows the movements of the Hakoatsu group for some time. That's what I was doing when we met the other night in Yoshiwara. However, when the info reached my ears that several big dogs were hiring Amanto mercenaries to bring them down; I could not stand idly aside. I mean, aren't there enough assassins right here in Edo who can do that work without resorting to hire foreign labour?" Then added ardently, "I will bring divine punishment to whoever threatens my fellow Joui patriots!"

"Umm... you've got kind of contradicting arguments going on there, though..." Gintoki noticed.

"Never mind any of that," intervened Hijikata passionately yielding his katana "you and all your fellow Joui are sleeping in jail tonight. Surrender now Katsura!"

Katsura exchanged a confused look with Elisabeth who raised a placard with a big question mark.

"We already went through this whole routine the other night, Vice Chief? Could we move on now?"

"I don't know anything about that, and it doesn't sound like me at all. I don't bargain with terrorists!"

"With all due respect Hijikata-dono... you have been getting pretty cosy with a certain curly-haired former Joui rebel lately to be saying something like that..."

 _Ughh... wrong choice of words, Zura..._

"That's it! You're coming with me to the station!" Hijikata inevitably exclaimed.

"We've been over this, Vice Commander, we agreed that for the time being I would become a double agent, a temporal collaborator of the Shinshengumi," he added, unexpectedly thrilled about the prospect of working with their sworn enemy.

"Outrageous! When did that happen!?"

"I believe we were in one of those public houses with extremely kind ladies in the district of Yoshiwara when we..."

Seeing movement from the corner of his eye, Gintoki suddenly realised that Zura's bomb hadn't really fixed all their Amanto issues and some of the surviving Mantisi had in fact been picking themselves up from the floor and were, with mounting rage, gathering around them, while Hijikata and Katsura discussed the specifics of their alleged collaboration.

"Guys...! I want nothing more than to keep digging into the occurrences of that hugely disturbing, mortifying, and humiliating night, but we have a huge green, slimy issue drooling all over us!"

"Gintoki, please, haven't I told you countless times not to interrupt when two generals are discussing strategy? I'll get you a pudding later", Katsura said but unsheathed his katana all the same.

"Don't make it sound so grandiose, Katsura" Hijikata said as he interjected an alien attack with his sword "Why do you want to be friends so much with the Shinshengumi?" He pushed brutally against his attacker "Is it the uniforms? Are you jealous that we have cool-looking, matching uniforms?"

Katsura jumped out of the way of a powerful clamp while managing to issue an affronted gasp at Hijikata's offending words.

Gintoki thought it convenient to intervene before these two messed up the temporal advantage they'd achieved thanks to Katsura's faction surprise attack.

"Listen Zura, truth is..." he rolled on the floor narrowly avoiding being sliced "we're having some memory issues regarding the night in Yoshiwara you're talking about."

"It's not Zura, it's double agent Katsura."

"We have not agreed on that yet... So, don't get carried away!" shouted Hijikata from behind him, while trying to slash the neck of a Mantisi.

"Memory issues? The two of you? Oh... that explains things."

 _'What does it explain?'_ asked one of Elisabeth's placards.

"Well, they kind of feel out of sync. The other night you were so... connected"

 _Fuck, Zura, quit it with the ambiguous language..._

"You spent the whole evening in your little corner excitedly devising your plan. Did something happen after we separated in Yoshiwara?"

They paused to briefly look at each other, then started sweating profusely, and finally stumbled to deny, deny, deny!

"HAHAAHHA, what could have possibly happened!?" high-pitched Gintoki opening his arms wide, unfortunately losing the grip of his bokuto in the process, which went off flying far away.

"Of course nothing happened!" nervously interjected Hijikata "We didn't do anything inappropriate or ouch!" said Hijikata who had just cut himself with his own katana as he tried to place it cockily over his shoulder.

 _'You're right Katsura-san, they do look off'_

Suddenly, Fukushima's voice was heard across the warehouse.

"Look at those sorry excuses of samurai, ha ha ha! Who can't even hold a katana properly. Go, my boys, this is the moment to finish them off!"

A group of Fukushima's men joined the Amanto mercenaries and attacked right when Gintoki was just back from retrieving his bokuto. He understood the situation immediately and launched an attack at two swordsmen after impressively jumping above Elisabeth and Katsura who were back to back brandishing their blades. The latter's sword clashed powerfully against an attacker's and he pushed until the thug was propelled backwards violently. In search for new foes, he turned around just in time to watch Hijikata avoid getting cut by a katana, by bending backwards and then, with a hand on the floor, kicked his surprised adversary so hard, he went tumbling backwards to get slashed by a ready Elisabeth.

"You sure can bend, Hijikata-dono", Katsura complimented, pleased with how quickly they all had turned into a lethal unit. "Well, I guess we all saw that when we were playing strip twister the other night."

Hijikata and Gintoki deadpanned.

"Strip twister?"

"For real?"

 _That night, the breeze of the district of pleasure, as some liked to call it, was cool, and brought along with it a blend of forbidden perfumes, hushed whispers and soft jollity... Numbed souls attempted to scape dull daily routines, hoping to find solace by sharing their lonely thirst with those best trained to quench it. In one of the many brothels, however, the stakes were soaring that night. On the floor a mat lay that held the key to an unspoken battle. Four colours, one spinner, one winner..._

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? Gintoki decided against attacking his rival in battle in favour of kicking his old brother in arms, the Noble Youth of Madness turned airhead Joui commander. "Are you seriously going into flashback mode in the middle of a fight, Zura?"

"It's not Zura," he breathed out through the blood coming from his nose. "It's Shinshengumi's temp intern."

"No, it's not!" This time it was Hijikata's turn to kick him "And take that off!" When had this idiot managed to get a hold of a Shinshengumi jacket?

Crap, Gintoki was getting way too distracted by these idiots and had lost track of what was going on in the warehouse. Up in the bridge, Kentao kept shouting orders at his men, who were getting slaughtered by Fukushima's men, Shinshengumi and Amanto alike, but he seemed to have understood that Katsura's men were on his side and was taking advantage of it. Fukushima, apparently prevented from leaving the scene by the Shinshengumi, seemed set in taking matters into her own hands and was trying to make her way towards the bridge assisted by a small group of armed men. The Shinshengumi were fighting everyone off, as the unpopular bunch they had always been.

"Hijikata, I think you gotta believe this dumbhead and tell your men not to attack Hakoatsu members, otherwise this is madness. It's an all-against-all shenanigans"

Hijikata looked deeply affronted.

"Are you asking me to trust a terrorist?"

It is not as if Gintoki didn't agree that this lamebrain of a Joui couldn't be trusted, and the dimwit was not exactly helping matters…

"I've always admired that blind determination of yours Hijikata-dono," he said "Just like how you keep chasing after me, still believing that you may one day capture me"

A vein popped on the vice commander's forehead.

"Yes, right there, that same passion with which you play strip UNO."

Hijikata and Gintoki deadpanned once again.

"Strip UNO?"

"For real?"

 _'Katsura-san loves UNO'_ unnecessarily informed Elisabeth.

 _The shamisen melody floated and merged with the giddy voices of one of the finest brothels in Yoshiwara. At every table a different story, but shared by all, the tragedy of tarnished souls sharing pre-paid affections. Clinging as they could to the scent of youth, for some long forgotten._ _At one of those many tables, however, the stakes were soaring that night. On the wooden table lay the key to an unspoken battle._ _Four colours, one deck_ _, one winner..._

Gintoki's punch disfigured momentarily Katsura's cheek with the force of a hurricane, and sent him flying off.

"DAMN IT, ZURA! I SAID NO TIME FOR DUMB FLASHBACKS!"

"Zura janai, Shinshengumi da!" pronounced menacingly the Joui, holding a hand to his swollen cheek.

"Do you wanna die Runaway Katsura?" warned Hijikata.

"It's not Runaway, it's Rundown..."

"What are you implying fool?" asked Hijikata furiously brandishing his katana as he approached the battered Joui on the floor, unexplainably now wearing a pair of Shinshengumi pants in addition to the jacket. "And could somebody tell me where the hell he keeps getting Shinshengumi garments from?" Hijikata looked around "Whoever is lending their uniform to this rebel is going to commit Seppuku!"

When Hijikata turned back around to give Katsura what he deserved, he came face first with one of Elisabeth's placards instead.

 _'Even if you can't remember, we do have a truce, Hijikata-san. Katsura-san is just honouring your agreement.'_

Hijikata blinked.

"It's just hard to believe, you know. Put yourself in my position"

 _'I understand.'_

"You have no idea the last few days I've had. This is the last drop… " Hijikata covered his eyes visibly affected.

 _'I know'_

"Oi, you two!" said Gintoki from the background sweating to keep off a couple of Mantisi on his own "Is this really the moment for a bonding interlude?"

"Why is it so easy with you...?" continued Hijikata ignoring the Yorozuya's complaints.

 _'We've already shared a lot...'_

"You're really creeping me out, you two! Ouch!" said Gintoki who had just earned himself a kick to the stomach due to the distraction. "Wait! No! Don't..."

 _Two lone souls sat apart from everyone else, ignoring the push and pull of desires going on around them. They weren't laughing, playing, or flirting. They had formerly been part of something where the stakes were soaring. The field of an unspoken battle. But… they had lost it. Now, with their souls and bodies nude, there was nowhere left to hide, there was nothing left to do other than pick up the broken pieces of their pride, …and their scattered clothes. With bare spirits and bare buttocks, they met in a silent understanding, an embrace of muffled pain. The pain... of the second in command, of the silver medal winner, of the eternal secondary character..._

 _"I'm a thousand times better a Shounen protagonist than that permed waste of space could ever be! But no matter what I do, he's always the one that battles the final boss! Hell! I can't even win at UNO!" Hijikata lamented._

 _'Strip UNO' specified Elisabeth's placard._

 _Just three players still stood at the table, attempting to woe the capricious lover that was fortune. Gintoki, Katsura, and another samurai. Gintoki's boisterous laughter propagated across the room as he won yet another round, bringing the ronin beside him to his doom. The latter feeling insulted by Gintoki's terrible winner manners flipped the table and punched him in the face._

 _'Why don't you get your own show?' read the placard raised by Elisabeth._

 _"It's not as if I haven't tried...You know how many interviews for main character I've attended?" the bitter laugh went straight to Elisabeth's heart "...but they always turn me down because of the smoking, what's with this fashion of non-smoking main characters? As if a lazy, booger-picking, unemployed gambler wasn't far more of a perilous role model!"_

 _'Just quit smoking...'_

 _A small embarrassed smile appeared in Hijikata's lips._

 _"Look at me... burdening you with my problems..." He said, blatantly ignoring Elisabeth outrageous request._

 _Elisabeth, who didn't expect the bitter outburst and had run out of blank placards to write on, picked one of his old ones; one that seemed to come in handy quite often._

 _'We came here to talk simply as samurai.'_

 _Hijikata nodded and raised his glass with the outrageous Amanto next to him, then contently sipped on the silver liquid._

"WHAT ON EARTH IS HAPPENING HERE!?" intervened Katsura, now clad in full on Shinshengumi get-up, cravat and all. He turned towards Gintoki. "So Elisabeth gets a flashback moment and I don't!?"

"Don't you dare blame me, fucktard! I didn't precisely have the time to spare! I've had to shoulder three people's worth of Amanto workload while that little scene was going on."

 _'Katsura-san, don't be mad, it needed to be done.'_

"Don't talk to me, Elisabeth" said Katsura melodramatically turning away from his once beloved pet.

 _'Katsura-saaaaaaaaaaaan'_ read the equally dramatic placard.

"All right, Katsura" finally agreed Hijikata "We have a truce, but just for one day. Beware though, one wrong move, and I cut you down." He then directed a commanding roar to his men, "Shinshengumi! Listen up! Do not attack the Joui! Focus on the Amanto and Fukushima's men! We'll deal with Kentao's bunch on due course"

Hijikata grabbed his sword with renewed determination and joined Gintoki in his battle against the monstrous Amanto surrounding him.

"Was that really necessary?" asked Gintoki after cutting the leg of one of the monsters, making her come crashing down with a loud shriek.

"Listen, did you see that flashback? That game of strip UNO... may actually explain things. You and Katsura were playing with another man. I recognized him as one of Kentao's men. That cannot be mere chance."

Gintoki looked at him genuinely trying to assess if that heart-to-heart with Elisabeth had made him catch that irreversible dumb condition that seemed to affect all those surrounding Zura. But then he realized something...

"Huh, yes I saw... and I noticed something else" Gintoki said suddenly dead serious. "That you lost to Gin-san at UNO! MUAHAHA!" He pointed at him with an unbearable trolling face "And you were mopping like a brat... The great Shinshengumi vice commander throwing a tantrum HAHAHA!" he laughed mercilessly.

Hijikata clenched his fist around his katana. There it was again, that boisterous, annoying laughter.

"You lost even your undies; no wonder Tsukuyo was so disturbed!"

"HO HO HO indeed.." said Katsura approaching them after fending off the sharp slimy appendage lashing at him, and joining in (to Hijikata's dismay) Gintoki's silly laughter. "Don't be surprised though, that Hyakka Courtesan is a prude. She went berserk when we all started wiggling our naked butts at all the cabaret girls, who stormed off in a stampede that destroyed everything in its way. Ughh!" Katsura was forced to direct his attention at the gigantic insect pushing down on him while Gintoki and Hijikata looked at the Joui in outraged disbelief.

 _Wiggling?_

 _Butts?_

Right at that moment a pair of tantou pierced through the air at incredible speed. One sunk in the eye of the Mantisi in front of Katsura, the other one got stuck on the Joui's temple. He fell to the floor with a fountain of blood spraying from his skull.

"Who's a prude, Joui rat?" pronounced ominously the aforementioned Yoshiwara's Death God Courtesan in the flesh, looming above their heads.

 **To be continued...**


End file.
